Reasons to Switch Off the TV

10. You rediscover the art of conversation!
Our children today aren't getting enough practice in the art of conversation - and it is an art! The ability to listen to what others have to say, respond in a way that makes them feel you were interested, and expressing yourself articulately and even, amusingly don't come easily to most people. The best way to give our children these skills is to give them the opportunity to practise. Ask them hypothetical questions like 'what would you do if you had a million dollars?' or 'what rules will you make when you are a mum?' (my kids love that one!). A person who is a good conversationalist has a skill which will be of great benefit to them throughout their life.

9. You will become a more balanced person. It allows you time to develop other interests. TV is fun but it is as addictive as chocolate or coke. If you don't limit yourself to a set amount, you could easily find you have spent all evening - or even all day - in front of it. I know that on our family 'lazy days', when I let the kids do whatever they want, they will spend all day in front of the tv! This is time they could be discovering what talents or interests they have, reading books, playing with friends or going outside to enjoy some outdoor activities. That won't happen as long as the hypnotic presence is before them.

8. It gives children an opportunity to read. This is such an great habit for children to develop but many don't ever get that opportunity, because it is so much easier to sit in front of the tv and passively be entertained. Yet reading allows the brain to develop, it fills in the gaps in one's education (and there are many gaps today!), it stimulates the imagination, and increases vocabulary and understanding of grammar. Indeed, research even suggests it prevents dementia.

7. It stops you becoming a rather dull person. Too much tv means that your ability to converse on varied and interesting subjects is pretty limited. Not everyone will be interested in what happened on Simpsons last night or the latest gossip on Brangelina! Switching off the tv forces you to do something else, whether it is reading, calling someone, discovering news items on the net, helping kids with homework or working on a hobby. Thus, you become a more interesting person without even trying.

6. You have more time to laugh and have fun.
Whatever happened to games?! Kids still love to play board games with their parents, wrestle on the carpet, have ticklefests, play horsey, or challenge them to Wii games. Parents have a chance to get back in touch with their inner child and demonstrate to their kids that they are more than disciplinarians. Here is a chance to show kids that you love being with them!

5. Set up a healthy routine that they will follow for life.
People are creatures of habit. Set up a child to get used to only watching tv at set times and the chances are good that he will continue that habit in adulthood. We were not allowed to watch tv until 5pm on weekends; instead, we went out swimming or picnicking or for a walk. To this day, I get restless if we are still home at 10am and I can not bear to watch tv before 5pm.

4. You can get fit! Switching off the tv during the day and after school allows children to get outside and play sports or swim or play with the neighbourhood kids. Even Wii Fit is a hell of a workout (yes, it means switching the tv on again but at least it is not passive entertainment). As long as the tv is on, the children will sit in front of it, so it is up to the parents to set limits on their watching time. For example, I allow my children 2 shows after school every day once they have done their homework. On weekends, tv has to go off at 9am and doesn't come on again until 3, at which time they are allowed 2 shows again. I also find that my children are more likely to seek me out to join in a game when the tv is off, so I have no excuse either!

3. It allows you time to teach values and beliefs.
Children will absorb these things from tv shows if you aren't equally vocal. And let's face it, the kind of values tv espouses are not the kind we want our children to follow! So find opportunities to discuss what values are important to your family and why. Set up a Code of Conduct for your family. Have weekly challenges to see who can demonstrate or recognise instances of a specified value.

2. It allows you time to teach manners and social skills.
Watching tv while eating dinner is a big no-no. Parents need to be observing their children's manners at all times so that children don't grow up eating like monkeys. The dinner table is a great place to start teaching children courtesy and etiquette. These are social skills that give a child confidence as they will always know how to behave in social situations, no matter where they are or who they are talking to. This is a great advantage in our competitive modern world.

And the No. 1 reason to switch off the tv?

1. You can build strong bonds with your family! Modern lifestyles mean you can spend the whole day without having any significant exchange with your children. Tv, computers, mobiles, and games like xbox promote a lifestyle of individual entertainment. Nowadays, a lot of kids have tvs in their rooms which further erodes family interactions. Even when family come together to watch tv, its hypnotic quality means no real interactions between family members. Switching off the tv -and preferably all electronic gadgets at the same time - means rediscovering each other again. Building and maintaining family bonds are fundamental to a happy family, and this is one easy way to do so. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Parenting myth: consequences are an effective method of discipline

(blog feed at sueedge.minti.com)


There are many problems with the modern parenting advice on the use of consequences as a disciplinary tool. Parenting experts today constantly promote the need to make any consequence you impose be a natural and logical consequence of the infraction. However, there are many problems with this approach.

Firstly, it requires parents to think on their feet all the time. Instead of knowing automatically what their response will be when children commit an infraction, parents have to think fast after the event, in search of a logical consequence. This is stressful and if a parent can't think of an appropriate response in time, it can lead to one of two things:

a) a lot of yelling and lecturing instead. The only thing this teaches a child is that their parents are toothless. Not a good way to maintain respect and authority in a child's eye;

b)inappropriate and unduly harsh consequences. When parents can't think of a logical consequence, they invariably resort to familiar consequences like 'grounding'. Unfortunately, groundings by their nature last a while. This can end up being more severe than the infraction warranted, resulting in the child feeling unfairly done. The end result is that the whole point of the disciplinary measure is lost

Even when parents are good at giving appropriate consequences, this becomes a tedious and stressful exercise when it is multiplied by several children. Several times a day parents have to think fast and apply appropriate consequences. On top of this, parents then have to make sure that their consequences are consistent. This means remembering the consequence they gave last month or last year. If it is a natural consequence, it is easier but it still becomes very difficult to keep track of what consequence was given to which child at what age...Yet without consistency, parents can't effectively teach their children boundaries or self-discipline which is the very foundation of good discipline practices. Being consistent in discipline is like drawing a road map in a child’s mind – every yes/no adds to the map until the child knows exactly how far and where he can safely go. This is invaluable to building a child’s sense of security.

The experts' suggestion for dealing with all the many situations that don't have obvious logical or natural consequences is to take some time to think about it. In reality, this advice just does not work. Firstly, discipline is most effective when applied immediately after the event. Any scientist and trainer will tell you that immediate negative and positive responses work best in training. While it is possible to say, "I will discuss this with you later" to an older child, this will not work with younger children. By the time you have worked out an appropriate response, the child will have forgotten about the event and the discipline imposed will be meaningless and unfair. Immediate correction is the only effective correction with young children.

Steps to effective discipline

Discipline needs to be delivered calmly, consistently and immediately. Here are some suggestions that may help:

a) Select just one or two consequences that you will use all the time, at least for the first 12 years. You may have to select a couple of different measures when the children become teenagers. Stop worrying about whether these are logical consequences and focus on whether they are measures you can apply immediately and which can be quickly over;

b) react immediately when a correction needs to be applied; and

c) always apply the correction calmly, without being drawn into arguments or discussion or negotiations.

While some parents do manage to use logical consequences method effectively, we need to acknowledge that many, maybe even most, don’t. The above method is simple and far kinder on already stressed parents.

For more information, see parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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7 Strategies for Improving Your Child's Manners and Social Skills and Confidence

Research shows that children with good social skills make friends easier, do better at school and are more resilient to life’s blows.

Social skills are behaviours which help others feel comfortable with us and help us make friends. Manners and courtesy are important social skills that we need to teach our kids. By doing so, we are helping our children develop vital strategies for being successful in their relationships.

Children need to learn proper manners and social skills now more than ever. Competition for spots in universities and jobs is becoming tougher and the young people with well developed and natural social skills will stand out and have an advantage over their peers. Knowing the proper social graces allows children to feel confident and poised.

It is even harder for our teenagers. They are in an awkward phase of their lives when they are not children anymore or adults, either. By giving them manners and knowledge of modern etiquette, we are actually giving them the tools they need to navigate all the different social situations they might encounter as teenagers and later as adults. This gives them confidence and allows them to relax which in turn means they make a good first impression. This results in receiving positive feedback and increased self esteem.

It is often assumed that social skills will be acquired by osmosis. However, while some social skills are learned implicitly, all children would benefit from being taught social skills.

Strategies for improving your children’s social skills:

1) Talk to your children about why manners are important. Use examples to illustrate your point. “When your friend came over yesterday and didn’t say hello to me, it hurt my feelings. That’s why it is important for you to always say hello when you go into someone’s house.”

2) Model good manners and courteousness. Children will be watching their parents to see how they behave. If you are a bit unsure of what is still relevant today, look it up on the net or go to the library.

3) Practise good manners with your children daily. Practise morning greetings, table manners, introducing friends and offering to help, etc. Some manners need to be taught through role-playing as children may not have regular opportunities to practise them, such as how to introduce mum to your teacher.

4) Make use of the television. Ask your children to evaluate the behaviour of people in shows. Are they being polite? Is that the way a kid should talk to their parent? Use the situations to get your child to think about how it could have been done differently. Get them to think about what they see instead of blindly accepting the behaviour as normal.

5) Get into the habit of sitting at the table at least 3 times a week. This allows many opportunities to practise courtesy and conversation. Even if you eat in front of the tv, make sure your children use good manners.

6) Every social situation provides a teaching opportunity. Take a few minutes to prompt your child. “There is a new kid over there. How would you start a conversation with him?”

7) Get your teens used to shaking hands firmly, making eye contact and smiling when they meet people. This makes a positive impression on people and increases their confidence. This will help a lot in situations such as when they are applying for part time jobs.

If parents are not comfortable teaching their children these skills or just don't have the time, there are always courses available at various finishing schools or etiquette schools. Teaching children manners and etiquette is just as essential to parenting as teaching self-discipline and morals is. Let's not overlook it anymore.




www.parentingmyths.weebly.com Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to handle teenage moodiness

Who would have thought that deciding what to do for fun as a family could cause dissension?! Last night, it was my 9 year old son's turn to decide what we would do as a family, and he picked Twister. Yes, there were silent groans from us slack, inactive parents but I pasted on a big smile and said 'wonderful!' However, my 14 year old is nowhere near as tactful and immediately did one of her teenage mood swings. "I hate Twister! Stupid game! Stupid boy! Why do he always have to pick games...etc,etc".

So I had to go into mum mode and warn her to moderate her behaviour and words, and when she progressed to banging pans and kicking things out of the way, I had to move to Sergeant mode. "Toilet" I said and pointed. She stormed into the toilet, muttering and casting enough dirty looks around that I almost had to pull out the mop. However, after 10 minutes, I called her out and she was meek and mild again. Crisis averted. Still didn't want to play Twister but the temper tantrum was over.

Funny thing was, a few minutes later we were all playing the game and laughing our heads off. There's nothing like having someone's bum in your face to make you laugh while swearing deadly consequences if anyone dares break wind! Even my moody 14 year old couldn't help giggling.

That's the thing with teenagers: their moods come and go like flash storms. Interrupt the cycle early and it is quickly over. However, if you don't interfere early enough,you can quickly find yourself battling a tornado. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to use the secrets of Elephant Training to be a good parent

Let me tell you a story. My grandfather used to work with elephants in the jungles of Burma. One of the stories he told me was about how they trained the baby elephants. When training elephants, keepers would begin by putting a baby elephant on a huge, heavy chain connected to a deep-driven peg. After pulling at it many, many times, the elephant eventually gave up as it learned that it was useless to try to break away. Eventually, the keeper removed the peg and just left a small chain hanging free around a leg. This was all that was needed to keep the elephant obedient. Even though there was nothing preventing the elephant from escaping, it never even attempted it, because the knowledge that it could never break that chain had become deeply ingrained.

This analogy relates to raising children in that children will challenge your authority many times over their childhood. However, if, in those first 12 years, they learn that there is no point to challenging you because you are always smarter, cooler and quicker, then they will cease to do so. By the time they reach an age when they COULD challenge you, they will be so well trained that it will not even occur to them. And IF it does occur to them, the habits of respect and obedience that you’ve inculcated in them will prevent them from doing so. How do I know this? This is the approach my parents took with us, and the approach their parents took, and it probably went back even further. The point is, it worked. Five siblings and not one of us needed to be disciplined after 12 years. Not one of us could bring ourselves to break 12 years of being respectful and obedient. That says something...doesn't it?

Hmm, maybe I should call it Borg Training - 'resistance is futile'! LOL

There is more information, if you are interested, at http://parentingmyths.weebly.com/5-keys-to-effective-parenting.html Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Old fashioned Parenting

My story...my siblings and I were raised in what might seem an old fashioned way today. My father only had one consequence and form of discipline: a smack on the hand. It may seem contradictory but this actually made our life as children secure and predictable. In all the years growing up, I never saw my Dad lose his temper or treat us with contempt and disgust. My mom was the nurturer and the teacher of manners. The two of them worked together to teach us right and wrong, ethics and values so we grew up with a strong sense of who we were and the kind of life we wanted to lead.

What worries me is how many kids today have undeveloped social skills and a poor moral compass! I see kids coming in and out of day care and school with behaviours which make them unlikeable with teachers and other kids; I see kids running amok, oblivious to their parents ineffectual threats; I see kids eating like monkeys and I see kids who don't know how to make conversation. How are the parents of these children preparing their kids for the real world? Yet I am reluctant to blame parents because I think they have been fed a lot of bad parenting advice by 'modern experts', which combined with two tired working parents, has created a situation where kids are just not getting the same amount of teaching from their parents that we did as kids. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Family Time

With all the distractions in modern society, it is all too easy for families to go days without any real interactions. That is why I instituted some basic rules in our house to ensure we always have time together every day.

Rule 1 - Dinner is eaten at the table during the work week. This is 15-30 minutes every night when we are all face to face. We catch up on the day's events, discuss any issues, reminisce, enjoy a laugh and I have the opportunity to correct poor manners where necessary. The modern habit of eating in front of the tv is, I believe, the main reason we see so many awkward and unintentionally rude children today. It also means that our children are missing out on many life lessons that parents pass on in daily conversation. I learned a lot of my ethics and morals through casual conversations and reminiscences I shared with my parents as a child. When do modern parents have the opportunity to share their thoughts?

Rule 2 - Family hour. At 6.30pm, the tv, computer and mobile phones are switched off and don't come back on until bed time. By 7.30, we are all finished with baths, tv and chores so we all come together in the living room. This is precious time together without interruption. My oldest daughter is 14 and therefore too cool for games so one night a week, we allow tv in the form of watching a family show together, like Smallville. My 12 year old daughter loves to sing so we often have karaoke competitions while my 9 year old boy enjoys games so it's Bingo, Backgammon or Hangman. This time reminds us that we can have fun together and that parents aren't just taskmasters ordering kids around all the time.

Rule 3 - At least one day each weekend we have an family outing. This is so important to bonding and building strong memories. My childhood memories are coloured with glorious images of the times we spent together on picnics, climbing mountains, trekking to waterfalls, large family gatherings, swimming in creeks and rivers, camping...I could go on and on. While I am not as adventurous as my father, I try to ensure we get out and laugh, explore, enjoy the sun and fresh air every weekend. These build family ties in a way that sitting at home can't, because on outings we can forget about duties and chores and just enjoy each other.

If we didn't make this time, it would be easy for our family to spend the entire evening or even the whole day without really connecting. My 14 year old always has her mobile in her hands, my 12 year old loves to watch tv or hang in her room while my 9 year old enjoys computer games and riding a bike with his friends. We become ships passing in the night, without a conscious effort by us to pull all the ships into port! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How does a parent handle teenage volatility?

It never ceases to surprise me how quickly teenagers can go from Pollyanna to Teen Wolf. I was in the kitchen helping my daughter collect ingredients for her cooking class when I realised we didn't have any carrots. So I suggested she ring a friend to ask her to bring some to class. My daughter was horrified.
"No way!"
"Why not?" I asked, mystified.
"Well...it's 9 pm. That's just rude!"
I looked at her sceptically. "Really. That is very considerate of you" I said dryly. "We don't have any carrots so I'm sure she would understand."
And before I could blink,it was on. "I gave you the list on Friday. It's all your fault!" She quickly progressed to accusing me of saying she was a liar (say, what?) so I quickly sent her to the Toilet Timeout to calm down. I was left feeling sideswiped again and wondering how collecting ingredients could lead to a scene.

Part of it is my fault. I am aware of my tendency to be excessively reasonable which tends to lead to debates which tend to lead to scenes. The trouble is, the reasoning side of teens' brains have not developed fully yet so it's like trying to argue with a 3 year old. PS. Don't tell a teen that - they really don't like it. So I have given my husband a codeword 'Pitbull' which he yells out when he can see me about to be 'reasonable'. Works great most of the time - when he's around. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to use timeouts for teens

It never surprises me how quickly I can find myself in the midst of a discipline crisis when it comes to my teenage daughter. Last night we were having dinner. Admittedly, it wasn't her favourite meal but I had warned her that I would not accept any snide comments about my cooking.
"Why can't we have something nice for once?" she asked with a roll of the eyes.
"Right, you can go down the chart (ie.earn 5 x's and no tv or computer for rest of week) twice for that." says me.
Immediately she was up in arms. "What did I do?!"
"I warned you about comments plus you rolled your eyes."
"I did not! I just looked up. Rolling your eyes means rolling your eyes all around!"
"Not in my book - which I've told you before."
Well, that just put her in a foul mood and after about 10 minutes of increasingly sour attitude and kicking her sibling under the table, I told her to go to the toilet so we could finish our dinner in peace. She got up and stormed off, but not before saying loudly "I don't know why you keep sending me to the toilet. It never does any good!"

Really? Firstly, I got to eat dinner in peace, retain my calm and control and enjoy some conversation with my other children. Secondly, she always comes out much meeker and milder, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after 2 hours, but she always comes out and apologises. How's that not a win? She knows she can come out of the toilet whenever she wants, but she has to apologise sincerely and finish whatever task she was doing originally.

Disciplining teenagers is a tricky thing. I made all the usual mistakes with my firstborn that a lot of modern parents do - made her the centre of the universe, talked and explained rules to her over and over, used timeouts and removal of privileges, etc. It was only about 2 years ago that it dawned on me that my daughter was 12 years old and I was still having to constantly discipline her! When I was 12, my parents had stopped disciplining me and my siblings because we were all trained in good behaviour by then!

It was a big wakeup call and I decided to return to my parents' old fashioned but ultimately more effective training system(for more information, you can visit my website www.parentingmyths.weebly.com). Unfortunately, it was a bit late to apply all those principles to my oldest daughter who had enjoyed having the bit in her mouth for 12 years already. Nonetheless, most of the principles of firm but loving boundaries still apply and work well.

Most parents stop using timeouts when children go to school, opting instead for groundings and loss of privileges. Ironically, timeouts actually work even better for older kids than the young ones! As a rule, timeouts are a dreadfully ineffective parenting tool (and shouldn't necessary when mahout parenting principles are followed from an early age). However, when faced with a recalcitrant teenager, a timeout can be surprisingly effective! The trick is not to send them to their room or anywhere remotely interesting. Children today are used to being stimulated so sending them to their bedroom or somewhere with a tv or other people is actually more of a reward than a disciplinary measure. This is particularly true of teenagers, who view their rooms as havens.

The toilet is my favourite timeout choice. With the door closed, they only have themselves and four walls for company. The entertainment value of that wears thin very quickly. It is also hard to maintain a mood, temper or sense of injustice in such circumstances. Try it sometime! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Parenting myth: timeouts!

Most child raising books and internet sites still promote time-outs as an effective discipline tool because it 'gives your child an opportunity to learn to cope with frustration and modify his behaviour'. This sounds good in theory and, because of the negative press given to using a smack, about the only option for modern parents. But, as most parents find out, this is a very ineffective technique for most people.

Why is it ineffective?

1) it requires parents to delay discipline until the child is old enough to accept time-outs which is at about 3 years old. So that is a crucial 2 years of training that is missed when parents can establish their authority.

2) parents run the risk of looking ineffectual and foolish when the toddler runs away or wiggles or screams or sits when you said stand or vice versa. Parents lose authority when it becomes clear to a child that mum and dad aren't in charge.

3) the lesson the parent is trying to teach is often lost because of the delay in getting the child to do the time-out.

4) time-outs can last too long in relation to the offence for young ones or not long enough with older children. It is difficult to get the balance right. Experts say a time-out shouldn't last more than 30 secs until a child is 3 but what can a toddler learn in 30 seconds? It takes that long to hold them still!

Baby experts suggest holding off on discipline until your child understands what's acceptable and not (somewhere around the third birthday). In the meantime, they recommend childproofing your home to reduce opportunities for mischief and use distraction to redirect your child to more suitable activities. This strategy is a flawed one. Letting your child have the run of your home - and you- for three years and then turning around and saying 'now you have to listen to me' is a recipe for a battle of wills. Establishing your authority before the child reaches an age to rebel is sensible and the early years are a perfect time to teach your child to listen to you and to realise that there are rules. Childproofing your home so your child is not in danger is essential, of course, but removing opportunities for mischief and distraction means removing opportunities for teaching an early but crucial first lesson - 'YES/NO'.

What the experts advise
The experts at a popular parenting website have this advice for new parents:

No single disciplinary approach, including time-outs, will transform your toddler into an obedient angel. You'll want to experiment with a variety of discipline techniques throughout his toddlerhood to find out what works best for both of you. In fact, if your child is usually obedient, you may be lucky enough never to need a time-out. Requests and redirection may be sufficient. Or you may find that using the positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity — works well throughout your youngster's childhood. At every stage, learning which behaviors are normal (or unavoidable) will help keep your expectations realistic.

Seriously?
Having told parents that time-outs are the way to go, these experts then turn around and say that no single approach will work. Where does that leave parents? Most parents are left floundering, looking for an approach or combination of approaches that will work. What usually happens is that parents develop a fly-by-the-pants method of dealing with each situation as it develops. This is equally ineffective as it is inconsistent, not to mention frustrating. On top of this, the experts suggest that parents may NEVER need to use discipline in their children's childhood if they use techniques like redirection! What an irresponsible thing to say to young parents. Discipline is an essential part of parenting: it builds firm boundaries for children, making them feel safe and trusting, and it leads to children being able to discipline themselves which is an essential quality for being a mature, responsible adult. Children will not learn these boundaries through parents AVOIDING the need for discipline.

It is hard to avoid the conclusion that timeouts are an ineffectual way to discipline children. To be effective, it needs to be combined with other disciplinary measures, possibly several, as children get older, but this in turn makes it difficult for parents to be consistent in their discipline. Timeouts and consequences require parents to be adaptive and reactive and on the balls of their feet all the time. This is not a good foundation to consistent discipline. Consistency is a cornerstone of good discipline as it teaches children their boundaries.

What is a more effective approach?

A more effective method is to return to tried and true old fashioned methods of discipline. The old fashioned methods of parenting worked because the focus was on bringing up children as a part of the family, community and society instead of making them feel like they were the centre of the universe. It worked because discipline was consistently enforced without anger so children could absorb the correction and still view their parents with respect and a little healthy awe. I talk more about how to do this on my Effective Parenting website but the basic principles are:

a) always be calm (or appear to be calm) when disciplining children. Any correction applied by an angry or frustrated parent loses most of its power as the children are focused on the parent rather than the correction.

b)choose just 1 or 2 disciplinary measures that you will always use. This allows discipline to be predictable - for the child and you. It will remove a lot of the stress and frustration of modern disciplining.

c)be consistent in what you do and how you do it. Decide how many warnings/requests you will give and then always correct a child promptly. Again, this makes discipline - and you - very predictable to a child; and

d)never explain, argue or reason with your children as it invariably leads to heated scenes that diminish your authority.

e)And, of courses, be loving and courteous to your children. In the end, families are meant to be a comfort and a joy, not a battle zone.

One final note: a problem many parents have, is that once they take timeouts out of the equation, what do they use to discipline small children? I'd be interested to hear other parents' suggestions but for my take on it, you can go to debunking parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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