Treating children with courtesy
Even though parents need to insist on their children following the rules they set, they must always treat their children with courtesy. This was a fundamental part of the way previous generations raised children, but courtesy has been somehow misplaced in parenting in more recent times. This is unfortunate, as the lack of respect and awe shown for parents today often leads to arguments and unpleasant scenes. Modern parents, in turn, are more likely to express their frustration in the form of disgust or contempt.
“Oh, really? This is what you call cleaning your room? Maybe if you were a pig.”
“What a surprise – our daughter not wanting to help out”
“You’re a 12 yr old twerp – what do you know about anything?”
Even these relatively mild insults said in sneering tones convey to a child that they are inadequate and a disappointment to you. This in turn results in parents feeling disgust and frustration with themselves.
These scenes can be avoided altogether by using the old fashioned principles of composure, control,consistency and courtesy (see 5 Keys of Old Fashioned Parenting). A composed, controlled parent will not allow opportunities for dissension and deals with resistance promptly and confidently. This eliminates the need for name-calling and insults. As a result, it is easy for parents to treat their children with courtesy. It goes hand in hand with composure.
Instructions are given in polite, respectful tones. In return, parents insist on children responding in a polite, respectful manner. Discipline is meted out calmly and politely. There is no lecturing, no engaging in argument, no raised voices – just an immediate, calm response.
Teaching courtesy
In addition to the way parents treat children and vice versa, parents must teach their children manners and courtesy from an early age. If they can crawl, you can start teaching them manners. Manners are a vital part of doing well in society. So many modern parenting experts overlook the importance of this aspect of parenting. So many parents have forgotten (or never learned themselves) the importance of manners. Yet manners and social skills go hand in hand. A child without manners is less likeable than a child with manners. This results in lower confidence and a poor self image. Not knowing for sure how to behave in any given situation makes a child anxious and more likely to act up (read more on why manners are important).
Modern society makes it easy for parents to overlook common manners. Families eat in front of the tv so parents don’t notice their children’s table manners. Extended family gatherings are rare so parents don’t have the opportunity to teach their children how to behave around elders. Five course dinners are non-existent for the ordinary family so parents miss out on the opportunity to teach table etiquette. At parties, children run off with other kids so they don’t learn how to converse with adults. Opportunities for teaching children common courtesies like opening a door for women or how to greet someone at the door are not being taught, with the result that a lot of children are awkward and even unintentionally rude.
For example, none of my children’s friends ever used to say hello to me when they came to my house. They would wander through the house behind my children without ever acknowledging my presence. I know they weren’t being intentionally rude but nonetheless, it was rude. No one wants to feel invisible, even parents. To their credit, it only took a couple of prompts for them to start saying hello every time they came over. It just shows that rudeness is often just ignorance. We need to arm our children with all the knowledge they need so they never unintentionally cause offence through bad manners.
Often a person other people see as ‘charming’ is really a person with good manners and practiced social skills. These people have an advantage over most people. It is our job as parents to give our children every advantage we can. So let’s start by arming them with manners and helping them to practise their social skills.
8 Strategies for teaching courtesy and etiquette
1) Start teaching manners when your children are very young. Even babies can start to grasp ‘yes/no’ and ‘please/thank you’. Go here for a list of manners and courtesies to start with.
2) Extend these lessons naturally as the child’s ability to understand grows.
3) Make a list, if necessary, of the manners you want to teach (See ABCs of Manners) and put up somewhere prominent to remind yourself and your children
4) Stay focused on your children’s manners. Don’t let bad manners slide because you are tired or busy. Consistency is as important in teaching manners as in discipline
5) Provide or create opportunities to teach your child manners they might not otherwise encounter. Have dinner parties so your child can learn table etiquette; Invite grandparents and other family members over regularly and drill your children in correct etiquette, such as greeting the adults first, offering their seat, making guests feel welcome. Eat dinner at the table regularly!
6) Practise, practise, practise. A practiced child is a confident child.
7) Consider bringing back the old fashioned practices like children getting up whenever a guest enters a room so they can offer their seat; boys opening doors for women, etc. These little courtesies will make your child all the more charming and respectful.
8) Demonstrate courtesy and manners yourself. Your children are watching you. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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