The Importance of Physical Affection

The Importance of Showing Physical Affection with Older Children

Showing affection comes easily with small children. We smother our babies in kisses and hugs but once children reach the age where they are always on the go, parents can find themselves going whole days without touching their kids. Indeed, research shows that while 90% of parents hug their small children (under 3 years) every day, this drops to as low as 50% for older children.1 Yet older children need affection just as much as small children.

“If I try to hug my 12 year old daughter, she pulls away.” Complains Barb, a mother of 4. This is a common complaint of parents with older children. This resistance can lead to parents feeling rejected by their child and not offering any further physical affection. This, in turn, makes the child feel unloved.

Yet this resistance to affection is often nothing more than self-consciousness and a sensitivity to anything that might be embarrassing. Older kids still need the reassurance and affirmation that comes from receiving affection. The trick is to show affection in ways that won’t trigger their ‘mushiness’ radar. So, while one child might accept a hug from dad at home, he would be horrified if Dad attempted it at the soccer field! Another child might reject kisses altogether but still enjoy the rough and tumble affection that comes with a wrestle or game of footy. My older children, for instance, don’t like to be cuddled but they can’t resist the offer of a back tickle or having their hair stroked. So don’t give up on trying to show affection – just change your tactics.

Strategies for Increasing Affection in the Home

1. Implement affectionate daily rituals of affection. By introducing rituals like good morning and goodnight kisses or hugs, you immediately increase opportunities for displaying affection.
2. Have a weekly family games night. A regular games night is a ritual that allows the family to have fun together and connect emotionally. There are games that even the smallest child can participate in (which are often a secret pleasure for the whole family). Twister, for instance, gives you a chance to connect physically and laugh.
3. Implement a family hour every night. This is a time when the family comes together, preferably with the TV off. This creates a sense of family unity as well as providing opportunities to be physically close. Listen to music, play backgammon, give foot rubs – there are many things you can do to connect when you are all together in the same room.
4. Eat at the table every night. This important family ritual creates opportunities for laughter, affectionate teasing and connection. Don’t be afraid to tease your children – if it is done in a loving and affectionate way, it is a great way of showing affection. I know my kids love to give as good as they get over dinner. Dinner usually goes for twice as long as it needs to, just because we are having so much fun.
5. Allocate one day of the weekend for family outings. Family outings provide many opportunities for physical affection and fun as everyone is more relaxed and enjoying themselves. Plan your weekends in advance. The weekend can go by in a flash without any time spent together, if you do not plan ahead. Once a month, get the whole family together to toss around ideas about what you want to do on the weekends.
6. Take a child or the whole family for neighbourhood walks regularly. This ritual of walking the dog or just exploring the neighbourhood allows opportunities for personal conversation and intimacy which often leads naturally to physical affection. While my 13 year old usually resists my hugs, I find she is happy to let me drape my arm around her shoulders while we are walking the dog and talking.
7. Have family sports time. Games like soccer or tennis and bowling provide opportunities for physical affection and bonding without the mushiness that older children tend to dread. Even Wii Sports can be a chance to connect and laugh with your kids. The sight of their parents trying to ‘snowboard’ down a virtual hill usually reduces my kids to hysterics.
8. Build night-time routines. Read a book together in a chair, sit on their bed for a few minutes at bedtime, tickle their backs – there are many routines you can create which only take a few minutes but allow you to connect physically and emotionally.
9. Develop a secret code that only the two of you know. With my children, I share a special gesture which they know means ‘I Love You’. I use it when I am dropping them off at school so that I don’t embarrass them with an affectionate display. They roll their eyes but it also makes them grin, so I know they secretly like it!
10. Come home early at least once a week just to have fun with your kids. Take them swimming, play a game of ball – develop a regular weekly routine which they can look forward to. Looking back, I can remember our excitement at seeing Dad arrive home from work every day. My brother and I knew that the fun part of the afternoon was starting. He would take us for a swim or a walk, or invent games to play – all of which gave us many opportunities for physical contact and affection. It is a shame that today’s long workdays have made this a thing of the past, but if you can do it once a week, it will give your children something to look forward to.
11. Cook in bulk so you don’t have to cook every night. Instead, relax for a while when you get home and then spend some time with your kids.
12. Put a reminder up on the fridge - ‘Have I hugged my kids today?’ Don’t let the hectic daily schedule make you overlook physically connecting with your kids. Show affection whenever there is an opportunity. Squeeze their shoulder as you go past, ruffle their hair, tickle them, challenge them to a finger wrestle...there are many ways to show your child affection without embarrassing them.
13. Set time aside each month to have an outing or activity with just one of your kids. You need to develop a special relationship with each child individually. The one on one time creates the opportunity to be close, whether it is a walk, sharing a milkshake or going on a shopping expedition.

By continuing to show affection as children grow up, you make it more likely that they will grow into adults who can show affection easily. So hang in there and one day you will be pleasantly surprised when your child turns around and give YOU a hug! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Raising Our Boys to be Gentlemen

Boys are magical creatures. Their energy, way of looking at the world, enthusiasm for life and physicality are a joy to behold. Watching my son as he grows up is a constant source of delight and surprise to me. Yet I know his rambunctious energy needs direction to ensure that he grows up to be the best man he can be. One of the most important ways we can do that, as parents, is to raise our boys to be gentlemen.

Why Should We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
When we raise our sons as gentlemen, we are giving them a powerful rulebook to guide them through life. Being a gentleman teaches a boy three important lessons in life:
• How to honour their masculinity and manliness
• How to treat other people with respect and courtesy
• How to be build a character to be proud of

It may seem an old fashioned concept, yet raising our sons to be gentlemen is as important a part of being a parent as teaching them right from wrong. It means teaching our sons to be courageous and considerate; to protect, not abuse; and to choose solid values to live by, rather than the poor values promoted in the media.

How Do We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
As parents, we need to both model and teach our boys how to be gentlemen. It won’t happen accidentally – we need to deliberately teach the qualities we want our boys to display.

1. The first step is to realise that our sons are watching the way we treat each other, so be kind and respectful towards each other. Manners are both "caught" and "taught" as children observe their parents showing courtesy and kindness to each other. So, mums, let your husband open the car door for you!

2. Teach boys to have a respectful attitude towards others. The rule you are teaching them is to ‘treat others as they would like to be treated’. Encourage them to greet people with a handshake and a smile; to always say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ instead of ‘huh?’; to not use words that could offend the listener, such as swear words (I tell my son that swear words were invented for times of extreme pain or emotion – if he chops off his finger with an axe, then he can swear all he likes!). Gentlemen are also courageous enough to apologise when they have hurt someone so teach them to say ‘I’m sorry’.

3. Teach boys the many little gestures of respect and courtesy that they can show towards women, such as opening doors and pulling out chairs at the dinner table. Although there was a period where women felt it was condescending, today most women recognise that it is just a way of showing respect and kindness. By teaching our boys these little gestures from an early age, we are inculcating an attitude of respect towards women which will last a lifetime. Here is a list of courtesies we can start teaching our boys:
• Always open car doors for your mum
• Always pull out a chair for your mother before sitting at the table
• Always stand up and offer your seat to women or old people, whether in a waiting room or on a bus
• Always offer to carry packages for your mum
• If a lady drops something, pick it up for her
• Always stand up when a lady enters the room, when she leaves the table or when you are introduced to her.

4. Limit the media that your son is exposed to, as many of the messages objectify women or encourage bad behaviour. Teach your son to be critical instead of blindly accepting the media messages being given. Talk with them about the scenes in TV shows, commercials and music that depict males as crass and women as deserving of disrespect.

5. Teach our boys to have the courage to accept responsibility for their actions, good or bad. A boy can learn to be proud of himself, even when he has done something wrong, if he has learned that you will respect him for owning up to his mistake.

6. Give boys a code of conduct. Teach them that real men don’t lie, steal, cheat or bully their way through life. Show them that real men act with dignity and respect – for themselves and others.

7. Teach boys to honour their masculinity and manliness. Teach them that their strength and courage is to be used to protect women and the weak. Teach them that boys NEVER hit or hurt a girl, but instead always protect them from harm. Teach them to look out for the weaker child in the class, to speak out when someone is being bullied, and to have the courage to say no when they are being pressured into doing something they know is wrong.

8. Develop a habit of reading stories of brave, kind men so they can imagine themselves becoming that way too.

Little boys become teens and teens turn into men. By teaching our sons to be gentlemen from an early age, we are arming them with the skills and knowledge they need to confident, good men that they – and we- can be proud of. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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