It never surprises me how quickly I can find myself in the midst of a discipline crisis when it comes to my teenage daughter. Last night we were having dinner. Admittedly, it wasn't her favourite meal but I had warned her that I would not accept any snide comments about my cooking.
"Why can't we have something nice for once?" she asked with a roll of the eyes.
"Right, you can go down the chart (ie.earn 5 x's and no tv or computer for rest of week) twice for that." says me.
Immediately she was up in arms. "What did I do?!"
"I warned you about comments plus you rolled your eyes."
"I did not! I just looked up. Rolling your eyes means rolling your eyes all around!"
"Not in my book - which I've told you before."
Well, that just put her in a foul mood and after about 10 minutes of increasingly sour attitude and kicking her sibling under the table, I told her to go to the toilet so we could finish our dinner in peace. She got up and stormed off, but not before saying loudly "I don't know why you keep sending me to the toilet. It never does any good!"
Really? Firstly, I got to eat dinner in peace, retain my calm and control and enjoy some conversation with my other children. Secondly, she always comes out much meeker and milder, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after 2 hours, but she always comes out and apologises. How's that not a win? She knows she can come out of the toilet whenever she wants, but she has to apologise sincerely and finish whatever task she was doing originally.
Disciplining teenagers is a tricky thing. I made all the usual mistakes with my firstborn that a lot of modern parents do - made her the centre of the universe, talked and explained rules to her over and over, used timeouts and removal of privileges, etc. It was only about 2 years ago that it dawned on me that my daughter was 12 years old and I was still having to constantly discipline her! When I was 12, my parents had stopped disciplining me and my siblings because we were all trained in good behaviour by then!
It was a big wakeup call and I decided to return to my parents' old fashioned but ultimately more effective training system(for more information, you can visit my website www.parentingmyths.weebly.com). Unfortunately, it was a bit late to apply all those principles to my oldest daughter who had enjoyed having the bit in her mouth for 12 years already. Nonetheless, most of the principles of firm but loving boundaries still apply and work well.
Most parents stop using timeouts when children go to school, opting instead for groundings and loss of privileges. Ironically, timeouts actually work even better for older kids than the young ones! As a rule, timeouts are a dreadfully ineffective parenting tool (and shouldn't necessary when mahout parenting principles are followed from an early age). However, when faced with a recalcitrant teenager, a timeout can be surprisingly effective! The trick is not to send them to their room or anywhere remotely interesting. Children today are used to being stimulated so sending them to their bedroom or somewhere with a tv or other people is actually more of a reward than a disciplinary measure. This is particularly true of teenagers, who view their rooms as havens.
The toilet is my favourite timeout choice. With the door closed, they only have themselves and four walls for company. The entertainment value of that wears thin very quickly. It is also hard to maintain a mood, temper or sense of injustice in such circumstances. Try it sometime! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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