Raising Our Boys to be Gentlemen

Boys are magical creatures. Their energy, way of looking at the world, enthusiasm for life and physicality are a joy to behold. Watching my son as he grows up is a constant source of delight and surprise to me. Yet I know his rambunctious energy needs direction to ensure that he grows up to be the best man he can be. One of the most important ways we can do that, as parents, is to raise our boys to be gentlemen.

Why Should We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
When we raise our sons as gentlemen, we are giving them a powerful rulebook to guide them through life. Being a gentleman teaches a boy three important lessons in life:
• How to honour their masculinity and manliness
• How to treat other people with respect and courtesy
• How to be build a character to be proud of

It may seem an old fashioned concept, yet raising our sons to be gentlemen is as important a part of being a parent as teaching them right from wrong. It means teaching our sons to be courageous and considerate; to protect, not abuse; and to choose solid values to live by, rather than the poor values promoted in the media.

How Do We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
As parents, we need to both model and teach our boys how to be gentlemen. It won’t happen accidentally – we need to deliberately teach the qualities we want our boys to display.

1. The first step is to realise that our sons are watching the way we treat each other, so be kind and respectful towards each other. Manners are both "caught" and "taught" as children observe their parents showing courtesy and kindness to each other. So, mums, let your husband open the car door for you!

2. Teach boys to have a respectful attitude towards others. The rule you are teaching them is to ‘treat others as they would like to be treated’. Encourage them to greet people with a handshake and a smile; to always say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ instead of ‘huh?’; to not use words that could offend the listener, such as swear words (I tell my son that swear words were invented for times of extreme pain or emotion – if he chops off his finger with an axe, then he can swear all he likes!). Gentlemen are also courageous enough to apologise when they have hurt someone so teach them to say ‘I’m sorry’.

3. Teach boys the many little gestures of respect and courtesy that they can show towards women, such as opening doors and pulling out chairs at the dinner table. Although there was a period where women felt it was condescending, today most women recognise that it is just a way of showing respect and kindness. By teaching our boys these little gestures from an early age, we are inculcating an attitude of respect towards women which will last a lifetime. Here is a list of courtesies we can start teaching our boys:
• Always open car doors for your mum
• Always pull out a chair for your mother before sitting at the table
• Always stand up and offer your seat to women or old people, whether in a waiting room or on a bus
• Always offer to carry packages for your mum
• If a lady drops something, pick it up for her
• Always stand up when a lady enters the room, when she leaves the table or when you are introduced to her.

4. Limit the media that your son is exposed to, as many of the messages objectify women or encourage bad behaviour. Teach your son to be critical instead of blindly accepting the media messages being given. Talk with them about the scenes in TV shows, commercials and music that depict males as crass and women as deserving of disrespect.

5. Teach our boys to have the courage to accept responsibility for their actions, good or bad. A boy can learn to be proud of himself, even when he has done something wrong, if he has learned that you will respect him for owning up to his mistake.

6. Give boys a code of conduct. Teach them that real men don’t lie, steal, cheat or bully their way through life. Show them that real men act with dignity and respect – for themselves and others.

7. Teach boys to honour their masculinity and manliness. Teach them that their strength and courage is to be used to protect women and the weak. Teach them that boys NEVER hit or hurt a girl, but instead always protect them from harm. Teach them to look out for the weaker child in the class, to speak out when someone is being bullied, and to have the courage to say no when they are being pressured into doing something they know is wrong.

8. Develop a habit of reading stories of brave, kind men so they can imagine themselves becoming that way too.

Little boys become teens and teens turn into men. By teaching our sons to be gentlemen from an early age, we are arming them with the skills and knowledge they need to confident, good men that they – and we- can be proud of. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Lords of the Dance

Introducing Boys to Dancing

While girls today continue to gravitate to dance from a young age, many boys avoid dance because of the modern perception that it is a feminine activity. Boys are instead encouraged to focus on sports as an outlet for their energies. The irony is that dancing can be even more physically and mentally demanding than football or basketball!

The Benefits of Dance for Boys
It is important to change this perception as boys are missing out on valuable skills.
1) Dance allows boys an important outlet for expressing their emotions in a safe way. Just watch Billy Elliott to see how dancing allows boys to express their emotions in a constructive way!

2) It teaches them control of their body. Dancing teaches boys to be aware of their bodies and how it moves. “Dancers learn to use their brains as well as their feet,” Says Owen Oxley, local dance instructor and owner of Oxley Dance Studios. “which is something a lot of boys can’t do, because multi-skilling is not a skill that comes naturally to them.”


3) It increases their self esteem and confidence. Mastering increasingly complicated dance steps boosts their belief in themselves, and they become more confident in their ability to master any new skill. “Their self confidence increases because they learn to know their own body and start to feel good about themselves.” Says Warren Jerome, President of the Cairns Rock ‘n’ Roll Club.

4) It teaches boys respect for other people. Dancing requires a person to show courtesy and consideration towards other people, or they won’t want to dance with them again!


5) Studies show it has many health benefits, such as improving body image, attentiveness, and communication skills. Dancing also reduces stress, fear and anxiety.

6) For older boys, dance is a wonderful way for to connect with girls in a safe and unthreatening way. This is an opportunity often missed today because boys are afraid of looking ridiculous in front of girls. This could be eliminated with a few simple dance lessons.

7) A teen boy who is a confident dancer has a social advantage over his less confident and able peers. While young boys may not appreciate dance in quite the same way as girls, the advantages of being able to dance will suddenly become clear when they are teenagers! Girls of all ages love to dance and appreciate a boy who is at least confident enough to get on the dance floor. This is a skill which will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. “Boys quickly learn that a lad who knows how to dance can get any girl in the room onto the dance floor!” Says Mr Oxley.

Dance Opportunities for Boys
There are many different forms of dance available to interest boys, such as Funk, Hip Hop, Rock ‘n Roll and Ballroom. The energetic kicks, flips and spins of the Dance-Rock-n-Roll-Boogie Club (DRRB) appeal to a lot of boys, with at least 50% of the classes being made up by boys. “It is such an energetic activity that boys who are sporting often make the best dancers!” Laughs Mr Jerome of the DRRB Club. Ballroom dancing has also proved to be a perennial favourite. The owner of Oxley Dance Studios, Owen Oxley, notes that his ballroom dancing classes have enjoyed a 50/50 mix of boys and girls for over 15 years. “While boys often get self conscious about dance at some stage during their teen years and leave for a while, they invariably come back within a year!”

While sport will always be a major part of our boys’ lives, we should also encourage them to enjoy the many creative, social and emotional joys of dance. Giving our sons a love of dance –and the confidence to enjoy it- is a gift that will last them a lifetime. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Keeping Our Kids Safe

How to Empower Children to Stay Safe

There are many things we, as parents, can do to enable our child to feel - and be - safe. Most parents don’t want to even think about the possibility of violence against their children and, fortunately, such instances are rare. However, violent situations may still occur, so all parents should be prepared. As the top U.S. security expert, Gavin De Becker, points out, "Of all the strategies you might bring to protecting your children, could ignorance about violence possibly be an effective one?"


Teaching Kids How To Avoid Violence

1. From a young age, teach children the power of intuition. Remember, we trust far more people than we distrust, so if your child feels uncomfortable around someone, it is significant. We must teach our children to honour the gut instinct that says something's not right. This takes practice. On outings, ask your children to tell you how they reacted to someone you both just met. Get them to notice their first instinctual reaction - was it trust, shyness, distaste?

2. Children must be taught to react to early signals, as this is when they can turn away most predators. Teach your child to be wary of strangers who try to be charming, offer unsolicited help and promises, and especially, ignores your child's refusal of help. According to De Becker, this is the most universally significant signal of danger as it is a sign that the predator is seeking to control them. Teach your child that it is okay to be blunt and even rude in this situation. Explain to them that you (and other adults) will understand their rudeness if they turn out to be mistaken. If children don't make the mistake of waiting for very clear signals, then they can defeat most predators.

3. Teach your children how to communicate clearly that they are not a target. This includes glaring, holding the stare, walking away immediately and raising their voice. Most predators will get the message and look for an easier target. Although a placid person, I once used this technique to scare away a man who was hovering over my children in a way that made me very uncomfortable. My heart was pounding like a drum but he backed right off!

4. Your children need to practise being aware of their surroundings. Predators look for victims who are going to be easy targets - the ones on their phones, looking at the ground, day dreaming, listening to music…Teach your child to always take note of who is around him or her and what is going on. If they notice someone approaching them, they can usually deter them with step 3, communicating that they will not be an easy target.

5. Teach your teenage child about PC, that is, privacy and control. Sexual predators are not dangerous to your child if they don't have privacy and control. Therefore, if your daughter learns to recognise PC situations early, she can take steps to change the situation before it becomes dangerous. For example, if a girl notices that her driving instructor's directions are taking her out of populated areas, she can clearly say "I wish to stay in familiar areas." This clearly says to the predator that she is not going to be easily controlled, and in the majority of cases, the predator will abandon his plan.


Teaching Kids How To React When Faced With Violence

1. Teach your child to do the opposite of whatever he or she is told to do, as that is what the attacker is most afraid that your child will do. If they say 'don't yell', train your child to do exactly that!

2. Enrol your child in martial arts or self-defence class. This is important because the reaction of most people when faced with an aggressive, loud in-your-face person is to freeze. Their mind goes blank which allows the attacker time to get in close and take control. Martial arts will teach your child to react automatically in crises. Those precious first few minutes often make all the difference in an attack, as most attackers will retreat in the face of a serious defence. If you can't afford classes, you can make a game of surprising your child at home, and practising quick responses.

Mother of 3, Karen McIlveen, enrolled her three daughters in martial arts classes from an early age. “I think the discipline and the awareness that there is something they can do to defend themselves have made them stronger in their minds, not just their bodies. Even though they may be smaller than their opponent, they may be able to use that window of opportunity and give themselves at least 3-5 seconds to run away. I feel more confident knowing that my 3 daughters have some techniques in which to rely upon in a difficult situation”

3. Teach your child to breathe out in crises. Most people forget to breathe which means their brain's ability to think through the crises disappears. Breathing out forces the body to start breathing again, which in turn allows a person to react quicker.

Constable Russell Parker from the Crime Prevention Office, emphasises the importance of empowering children to know that they have a right to say ‘No’ and that there are always people they can talk to, no matter what the problem. “Talk to kids about who they can turn to if they are feeling afraid or if someone is threatening them. Get them to list at least 5 people that they trust completely. It might be a parent, their grandma, or a teacher. These are the people they can then turn to when they don’t feel safe. Predators often use threats of harm to the child or their family to ensure silence. Kids need to know that there is no secret so bad that they can’t talk to someone about it.”

Preparing your children to be safe doesn't mean making them fearful of the world. It means teaching them that there are techniques they need to master to stay safe, in much the same way we teach our children how to deal with fire. I recommend reading Gavin De Becker’s excellent book on preventing violence to kids, ‘Protecting the Gift’. Our children are, indeed, our most precious gift. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Signs that you need to adapt your parenting style

Signs that you are struggling as a modern parent:

1. You use phrases like these:

• “This is your last chance/warning”
• “I’m warning you…”
• “How many times have I told you…”
• “Don’t make me repeat myself”
• “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you ten times”
• “I’m not telling you again…”
• “If I have to ask you one more time…”
• “Don’t make me come over there…”
• “Jamie, sweetie. Don’t do that, Jamie, dear! Look at me, Jamie! I’m
warning you, Jamie…!”


2. You feel like this often when you are with your kids:

• Frustrated
• Exasperated
• Irritated
• Angry
• Depressed


3. You have scenes like these:

• Children arguing with you or whining because you told them to do a chore
• Children having temper tantrums more than once
• Children sulking because they didn’t get their way
• You trying to reason with your children
• You allowing yourself to be drawn into arguments with your children
• You talking to your children in a ridiculing/condescending or harsh way
• Your children rolling their eyes at you or talking contemptuously back at you
• You hear ‘why?’ every time you ask the kids to do something
• Your children waiting till you’ve asked them to do something 3 times (and
finally threatening them) before doing it
• Your child is the one running around the restaurant, jumping on the
furniture, pulling on your arm/interrupting while you’re talking to another
person
• Other parents saying things like “My, he’s high spirited, isn’t he?”
(Translation: why don’t you control your child and stop him jumping on my
furniture)
• The thought of ‘quality time’ with your kids fills you with dread
• You do something yourself rather than face the complaints you’d get if you
ask the kids to do it
• You can’t wait till your kids go back to school!


A lot of parents will recognise these behaviours as most of them are natural consequences of the modern parenting advice given to parents today.

Our children are now less confident and certainly less charming than any previous generation. Many children today have few manners, poor social skills and little self discipline. Yet they are trying to cope with a world far more stressful and complex than the one we were raised in.

Modern parents, on the other hand, are by and large, exhausted and frustrated. If you look around, you see stressed parents struggling to control their temper in the face of disrespectful, argumentative and rebellious children.

I believe that we need to take the best of modern parenting and meld it back into the traditional methods of parenting. There are aspects of traditional parenting that wouldn’t work today, such as the emphasis on much more severe discipline. This does not mean that we should throw out the baby with the bath water! The traditional philosophy was one of training a child to be a pleasant and productive member of the family, community and ultimately, society. The modern focus, however, is solely on the child and his/her happiness. This has, ironically, resulted in more stress on the family and child as it has encouraged more arguments and less respect in the home.

A return to traditional methods of parenting would mean once again teaching children respect, boundaries, manners and values; it would mean teaching with calmness and affection, not being afraid to discipline and being consistent in how and when we applied discipline. Parenting was pretty straightforward 40 years ago - it can be again. We just need to update it a little to take into account the modern way of living. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Review: Scream Free Parenting

"ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.

It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.

Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents.
If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what."

To see book go to Scream Free Parenting

I grew up in such a household where my father was always composed and cool. We knew we could get to our mother on certain matters but nothing seemed to throw my father. Break an arm, start to drown, destroy his precious possessions...he always reacted in exactly the same way. In retrospective, I can see what a wonderful parenting plan that was! We kids were in awe of his knowledge, self control and seeming omniscience, and the result was that we always treated him with respect and obedience. I am not quite as successful with my own kids but I'm still working on it! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Reasoning With Children:Why Being A Reasonable Parent Can Backfire

Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain their decisions to children on the basis that this will make it easier for them to follow the rules. This simple and seemingly innocuous parenting myth has caused more disharmony, frustration and anger in families than any other advice. Why? Because the long term consequences of this approach are children who grow up expecting their parents to explain why they are being asked to do something. Having to explain a rule or decision to a two year old is one thing - having to rationalise with 3 teens or pre-teens about every request you make or discipline you impose becomes a source of frustration and contention in the home.

There is new evidence that family arguing affects children throughout their lives. A recent report by the long running Simmon Longitudinal Study, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, focused on family arguments. It looked at the effects of parents fighting with each other, and with their children. It found that 15-year-olds involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in argumentative homes. The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.

I would argue that parents need to avoid modern parenting styles that could lead to households where children feel entitled to challenge their parents on any and every decision. How many parents today can give an instruction to a child and have it followed out immediately and politely? I imagine, few. This is a direct consequence of this myth. Parents got into the habit of explaining things to their children and their children got into the habit of saying 'why?' and getting a reply.

What Makes A Family Work Well
For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader (or leaders) and the other members of the family must be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. There can't be constant arguments and negotiations about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, tv watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, sleepovers - the list is endless.

I always say a happy family works like an army unit - the officers make the rules and the privates follow those rules. As long as the parents are firm, fair, consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children are content to give over the reins to them. A family without clear leaders is a chaotic family unit.

Good communication is very important in a family but so is harmony and the smooth running of the home. Maybe it comes from having a father in the Jungle Patrol of Borneo, but we grew up respecting our parents' decisions (however much we didn't like them!) and even with a family of 7, our home was harmonious and loving. We communicated well on almost any subject - indeed, we were encouraged to debate any topic - but we understood that the time and place for questioning our parents was not when they were making decisions.

I believe that growing up in a home where children were required to respect their parents' decisions did not damage my confidence or ability to express myself. Other people would argue that I express myself too readily, lol! I still go toe to toe with my dad on every topic under the sun. Instead, growing up in a home where family relations were peaceful and warm allowed us to flourish as well as enjoy each others companies. This has to be better than the many families I observe where bickering and tantrums seem to be a norm.

Strategy For Reducing Arguments In The Home
Parents need to be clear in their own mind and with their children about when it is okay to discuss matters and when it is not. The weekly family meeting might be a good time to discuss issues; when parents are disciplining or giving chores is not. Kids are bound to resist at first; I find that giving out chores anytime one of them responds to a parent's request or decision with "why?" (or variations thereof) fixes the problem real quick!

In addition, parents need to stay in control of their temper. This isn't about being abusive or angry - that is clearly a sign that you are not in charge. It is about expecting children to recognise you as the leader of your family unit and accept your instructions as such. Parents who are used to losing their cool must practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. Any time parents lose their temper is a time when they have shown their children that they are not in charge, and are, therefore, open to challenges. More information on how to be effective parents is available at How To Raise A Child.

There is a place for explanations and being 'reasonable' in a family. Indeed, talking to children and teaching them about the world provides many wonderful opportunities for bonding and laughter. However, that time is not when parents are giving instructions or making decisions. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Why Values Must Be Taught, Not Just Absorbed

Why are values important
The values promoted in modern society through the media are often contrary to the values we want our kids to live by. But if we do not work hard to impart our own values to our children, then they will look to other role models like their favourite tv characters or rock stars, and their friends for cues on what values to live by. The innocence of the tv shows we grew up with are a thing of the past. Family time tv shows have people jumping in and out of bed, bi-sexuality, drunkenness, stealing, lying, cheating and so on. Some of these issues were addressed when we were kids but always with a moral to the story. It was clear to us that these behaviours were bad. This is not so clear nowadays. Often these behaviours are portrayed as funny and acceptable, and our children are lapping it up. Kids today are growing up without a strong work ethic, without a strong moral code, with vague boundaries about right and wrong, and, too often, an opportunistic attitude. If an opportunity comes up to take money without being caught, many teens and young adults will do so without a second’s thought; if an opportunity comes up to take a day off work without being caught, they will; if an opportunity comes up cut corners on a job, they will.

This is a very sad indictment of modern parenting. It is sad for this generation because they are perceived as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable. It is sad for our children because they are growing up without a strong personal code, a compass to guide them through life. Having strong values isn’t just about how other people perceive you but about how you perceive yourself. Being able to draw a line in the sand allows a person to take pride in himself and say ‘this is as far as I go and no further’. Without strong values, a person judges the rights and wrongs of each instance he encounters on an individual basis – and all too often, it will be on the basis of ‘can I get away with it?’ It is hard for that kind of person to have pride in themselves. A person with strong values, however, has a picture in his mind about the kind of person he is and wants to continue to be. Presented with an ‘opportunity’, he will compare it against this self-image and reject anything that does not fit with it.

In previous generations, a strong emphasis was placed on teaching values. Children were raised to follow more than just the 10 commandments. They were taught to take pride in being honest, trustworthy and reliable. A handshake was enough to seal an agreement. Parents worked as hard at inculcating values in their children as they did on imparting respect and manners. Parents today need to work even harder to do so as there are many more negative influences on our children than in our parents’ day. It is not enough to expect that children will gradually absorb our beliefs and philosophies just by spending 18 years living with us. We need to take ACTIVE steps to teach our children values.

8 Strategies for teaching values to children

1) TALK to your kids. Don’t expect them to absorb your beliefs by osmosis. Tell them what you believe and give examples. Ask them about examples they have come across.

2) LIVE by your values. Kids are very quick to pick up any sign of hypocrisy. Don’t preach values that you aren’t prepared to uphold.

3) Give your child a family code to live by. This gives children a sense of family unity and family pride as well as a strong personal code. Just choose one value that you feel strongly about and frequently tell your kids ‘this is our code. We don’t do that because that is not the (surname) code’. For example, in my family, my father was always saying ‘I am a man of my word’ and he was. He never made a promise he didn’t keep and that made a strong impression on me. This became my personal code, one which underscored all the choices I made. When I had my children, I took every opportunity I could to teach this code to them. I was always saying ‘We are Edgerleys. Edgerleys always keep their promises.’ Part of this was making sure I didn’t make any careless promises to them that I couldn’t keep. I followed this by ensuring that they kept their promises. As small children, I would just remind them of our code but once they reached school age, I insisted they keep any promise they made. This led to a few tears but they learned quickly. I knew they had mastered the code when they started turning indignantly to their father (who had grown up with laxer attitudes on this point) and saying ‘You have to do it! You made a promise and Edgerleys always keep their promises!” He learned quickly to add ‘maybes’ to any statements he made!

4) Have a Code of Conduct for your family and put it up somewhere prominent. This is a list of the behaviours you expect your family to display follow in the home, such as ‘we knock before we go into other people’s rooms’ and ‘we do not touch other people’s possessions without permission’. It keeps you focused on the behaviours you wish to teach as well as allowing the children to absorb the list over time. It also gives you something to point to and say ‘see, that is not how this family behaves’. I put up such a list several years ago in the bathroom area and one night at dinner recently, decided to test my kids on it to see how much of it they had absorbed. To my surprise, they could list every behaviour I had listed on it! It showed that they had been reading and absorbing it over the years.

5) Watch for opportunities in tv shows/movies/entertainment news to discuss values. Be careful not to lecture. Just take a few moments to say what you think about the character’s behaviour and ask your kids for their opinion. This gives you the opportunity to discuss your values as well as develop your children’s ability to differentiate real values from media values.

6) Let your kids know what you expect of them and correct their behaviour as necessary. Like discipline, you must reinforce the values you are teaching. If you don’t want them to steal, then you must correct each and every instance of theft. Don’t make excuses for them once they reach an age where they can understand that stealing is against your rules. Whether it is taking a biscuit from the cupboard without permission or bringing another boy’s toy home with them, you need to correct immediately

7) Be very picky about the media you expose your kids to. You can afford to be very picky about what your children watch, read and listen to in the first 12 years. Make the most of these years to pass on YOUR values and beliefs. Eliminate all shows that model disrespect and poor values. As children become teenagers, it will become harder to monitor their exposure so it is important to teach them to be critical about what they watch and read. For instance, when you watch a movie together, take the opportunity to point out that the show only lasts for two hours and that’s why writers often fast track the courting process and have people jump in bed or fall in love after the first date. Help them to realize that this isn’t an accurate picture of real life. If you’re watching a show where kids are being cheeky to parents, discuss with them if this is an accurate picture of family relations or just makes good tv. Get them to start thinking for themselves, rather than accepting as dogma everything they see and read.

8) Let the kids know you are proud of them when they demonstrate the values you are teaching. A smile of approval or a squeeze of the shoulder is all it takes to convey your pride in their choices. The more respect and awe they have for you, the more they will value your approval. Use that hero worship to shape their behaviour positively. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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