Raising Our Boys to be Gentlemen

Boys are magical creatures. Their energy, way of looking at the world, enthusiasm for life and physicality are a joy to behold. Watching my son as he grows up is a constant source of delight and surprise to me. Yet I know his rambunctious energy needs direction to ensure that he grows up to be the best man he can be. One of the most important ways we can do that, as parents, is to raise our boys to be gentlemen.

Why Should We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
When we raise our sons as gentlemen, we are giving them a powerful rulebook to guide them through life. Being a gentleman teaches a boy three important lessons in life:
• How to honour their masculinity and manliness
• How to treat other people with respect and courtesy
• How to be build a character to be proud of

It may seem an old fashioned concept, yet raising our sons to be gentlemen is as important a part of being a parent as teaching them right from wrong. It means teaching our sons to be courageous and considerate; to protect, not abuse; and to choose solid values to live by, rather than the poor values promoted in the media.

How Do We Teach Our Sons to be Gentlemen?
As parents, we need to both model and teach our boys how to be gentlemen. It won’t happen accidentally – we need to deliberately teach the qualities we want our boys to display.

1. The first step is to realise that our sons are watching the way we treat each other, so be kind and respectful towards each other. Manners are both "caught" and "taught" as children observe their parents showing courtesy and kindness to each other. So, mums, let your husband open the car door for you!

2. Teach boys to have a respectful attitude towards others. The rule you are teaching them is to ‘treat others as they would like to be treated’. Encourage them to greet people with a handshake and a smile; to always say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ instead of ‘huh?’; to not use words that could offend the listener, such as swear words (I tell my son that swear words were invented for times of extreme pain or emotion – if he chops off his finger with an axe, then he can swear all he likes!). Gentlemen are also courageous enough to apologise when they have hurt someone so teach them to say ‘I’m sorry’.

3. Teach boys the many little gestures of respect and courtesy that they can show towards women, such as opening doors and pulling out chairs at the dinner table. Although there was a period where women felt it was condescending, today most women recognise that it is just a way of showing respect and kindness. By teaching our boys these little gestures from an early age, we are inculcating an attitude of respect towards women which will last a lifetime. Here is a list of courtesies we can start teaching our boys:
• Always open car doors for your mum
• Always pull out a chair for your mother before sitting at the table
• Always stand up and offer your seat to women or old people, whether in a waiting room or on a bus
• Always offer to carry packages for your mum
• If a lady drops something, pick it up for her
• Always stand up when a lady enters the room, when she leaves the table or when you are introduced to her.

4. Limit the media that your son is exposed to, as many of the messages objectify women or encourage bad behaviour. Teach your son to be critical instead of blindly accepting the media messages being given. Talk with them about the scenes in TV shows, commercials and music that depict males as crass and women as deserving of disrespect.

5. Teach our boys to have the courage to accept responsibility for their actions, good or bad. A boy can learn to be proud of himself, even when he has done something wrong, if he has learned that you will respect him for owning up to his mistake.

6. Give boys a code of conduct. Teach them that real men don’t lie, steal, cheat or bully their way through life. Show them that real men act with dignity and respect – for themselves and others.

7. Teach boys to honour their masculinity and manliness. Teach them that their strength and courage is to be used to protect women and the weak. Teach them that boys NEVER hit or hurt a girl, but instead always protect them from harm. Teach them to look out for the weaker child in the class, to speak out when someone is being bullied, and to have the courage to say no when they are being pressured into doing something they know is wrong.

8. Develop a habit of reading stories of brave, kind men so they can imagine themselves becoming that way too.

Little boys become teens and teens turn into men. By teaching our sons to be gentlemen from an early age, we are arming them with the skills and knowledge they need to confident, good men that they – and we- can be proud of. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Teaching Our Children Courtesy

Treating children with courtesy
Even though parents need to insist on their children following the rules they set, they must always treat their children with courtesy. This was a fundamental part of the way previous generations raised children, but courtesy has been somehow misplaced in parenting in more recent times. This is unfortunate, as the lack of respect and awe shown for parents today often leads to arguments and unpleasant scenes. Modern parents, in turn, are more likely to express their frustration in the form of disgust or contempt.

“Oh, really? This is what you call cleaning your room? Maybe if you were a pig.”
“What a surprise – our daughter not wanting to help out”
“You’re a 12 yr old twerp – what do you know about anything?”

Even these relatively mild insults said in sneering tones convey to a child that they are inadequate and a disappointment to you. This in turn results in parents feeling disgust and frustration with themselves.

These scenes can be avoided altogether by using the old fashioned principles of composure, control,consistency and courtesy (see 5 Keys of Old Fashioned Parenting). A composed, controlled parent will not allow opportunities for dissension and deals with resistance promptly and confidently. This eliminates the need for name-calling and insults. As a result, it is easy for parents to treat their children with courtesy. It goes hand in hand with composure.

Instructions are given in polite, respectful tones. In return, parents insist on children responding in a polite, respectful manner. Discipline is meted out calmly and politely. There is no lecturing, no engaging in argument, no raised voices – just an immediate, calm response.


Teaching courtesy
In addition to the way parents treat children and vice versa, parents must teach their children manners and courtesy from an early age. If they can crawl, you can start teaching them manners. Manners are a vital part of doing well in society. So many modern parenting experts overlook the importance of this aspect of parenting. So many parents have forgotten (or never learned themselves) the importance of manners. Yet manners and social skills go hand in hand. A child without manners is less likeable than a child with manners. This results in lower confidence and a poor self image. Not knowing for sure how to behave in any given situation makes a child anxious and more likely to act up (read more on why manners are important).

Modern society makes it easy for parents to overlook common manners. Families eat in front of the tv so parents don’t notice their children’s table manners. Extended family gatherings are rare so parents don’t have the opportunity to teach their children how to behave around elders. Five course dinners are non-existent for the ordinary family so parents miss out on the opportunity to teach table etiquette. At parties, children run off with other kids so they don’t learn how to converse with adults. Opportunities for teaching children common courtesies like opening a door for women or how to greet someone at the door are not being taught, with the result that a lot of children are awkward and even unintentionally rude.

For example, none of my children’s friends ever used to say hello to me when they came to my house. They would wander through the house behind my children without ever acknowledging my presence. I know they weren’t being intentionally rude but nonetheless, it was rude. No one wants to feel invisible, even parents. To their credit, it only took a couple of prompts for them to start saying hello every time they came over. It just shows that rudeness is often just ignorance. We need to arm our children with all the knowledge they need so they never unintentionally cause offence through bad manners.

Often a person other people see as ‘charming’ is really a person with good manners and practiced social skills. These people have an advantage over most people. It is our job as parents to give our children every advantage we can. So let’s start by arming them with manners and helping them to practise their social skills.

8 Strategies for teaching courtesy and etiquette

1) Start teaching manners when your children are very young. Even babies can start to grasp ‘yes/no’ and ‘please/thank you’. Go here for a list of manners and courtesies to start with.

2) Extend these lessons naturally as the child’s ability to understand grows.

3) Make a list, if necessary, of the manners you want to teach (See ABCs of Manners) and put up somewhere prominent to remind yourself and your children

4) Stay focused on your children’s manners. Don’t let bad manners slide because you are tired or busy. Consistency is as important in teaching manners as in discipline

5) Provide or create opportunities to teach your child manners they might not otherwise encounter. Have dinner parties so your child can learn table etiquette; Invite grandparents and other family members over regularly and drill your children in correct etiquette, such as greeting the adults first, offering their seat, making guests feel welcome. Eat dinner at the table regularly!

6) Practise, practise, practise. A practiced child is a confident child.

7) Consider bringing back the old fashioned practices like children getting up whenever a guest enters a room so they can offer their seat; boys opening doors for women, etc. These little courtesies will make your child all the more charming and respectful.

8) Demonstrate courtesy and manners yourself. Your children are watching you. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Reasons to Switch Off the TV

10. You rediscover the art of conversation!
Our children today aren't getting enough practice in the art of conversation - and it is an art! The ability to listen to what others have to say, respond in a way that makes them feel you were interested, and expressing yourself articulately and even, amusingly don't come easily to most people. The best way to give our children these skills is to give them the opportunity to practise. Ask them hypothetical questions like 'what would you do if you had a million dollars?' or 'what rules will you make when you are a mum?' (my kids love that one!). A person who is a good conversationalist has a skill which will be of great benefit to them throughout their life.

9. You will become a more balanced person. It allows you time to develop other interests. TV is fun but it is as addictive as chocolate or coke. If you don't limit yourself to a set amount, you could easily find you have spent all evening - or even all day - in front of it. I know that on our family 'lazy days', when I let the kids do whatever they want, they will spend all day in front of the tv! This is time they could be discovering what talents or interests they have, reading books, playing with friends or going outside to enjoy some outdoor activities. That won't happen as long as the hypnotic presence is before them.

8. It gives children an opportunity to read. This is such an great habit for children to develop but many don't ever get that opportunity, because it is so much easier to sit in front of the tv and passively be entertained. Yet reading allows the brain to develop, it fills in the gaps in one's education (and there are many gaps today!), it stimulates the imagination, and increases vocabulary and understanding of grammar. Indeed, research even suggests it prevents dementia.

7. It stops you becoming a rather dull person. Too much tv means that your ability to converse on varied and interesting subjects is pretty limited. Not everyone will be interested in what happened on Simpsons last night or the latest gossip on Brangelina! Switching off the tv forces you to do something else, whether it is reading, calling someone, discovering news items on the net, helping kids with homework or working on a hobby. Thus, you become a more interesting person without even trying.

6. You have more time to laugh and have fun.
Whatever happened to games?! Kids still love to play board games with their parents, wrestle on the carpet, have ticklefests, play horsey, or challenge them to Wii games. Parents have a chance to get back in touch with their inner child and demonstrate to their kids that they are more than disciplinarians. Here is a chance to show kids that you love being with them!

5. Set up a healthy routine that they will follow for life.
People are creatures of habit. Set up a child to get used to only watching tv at set times and the chances are good that he will continue that habit in adulthood. We were not allowed to watch tv until 5pm on weekends; instead, we went out swimming or picnicking or for a walk. To this day, I get restless if we are still home at 10am and I can not bear to watch tv before 5pm.

4. You can get fit! Switching off the tv during the day and after school allows children to get outside and play sports or swim or play with the neighbourhood kids. Even Wii Fit is a hell of a workout (yes, it means switching the tv on again but at least it is not passive entertainment). As long as the tv is on, the children will sit in front of it, so it is up to the parents to set limits on their watching time. For example, I allow my children 2 shows after school every day once they have done their homework. On weekends, tv has to go off at 9am and doesn't come on again until 3, at which time they are allowed 2 shows again. I also find that my children are more likely to seek me out to join in a game when the tv is off, so I have no excuse either!

3. It allows you time to teach values and beliefs.
Children will absorb these things from tv shows if you aren't equally vocal. And let's face it, the kind of values tv espouses are not the kind we want our children to follow! So find opportunities to discuss what values are important to your family and why. Set up a Code of Conduct for your family. Have weekly challenges to see who can demonstrate or recognise instances of a specified value.

2. It allows you time to teach manners and social skills.
Watching tv while eating dinner is a big no-no. Parents need to be observing their children's manners at all times so that children don't grow up eating like monkeys. The dinner table is a great place to start teaching children courtesy and etiquette. These are social skills that give a child confidence as they will always know how to behave in social situations, no matter where they are or who they are talking to. This is a great advantage in our competitive modern world.

And the No. 1 reason to switch off the tv?

1. You can build strong bonds with your family! Modern lifestyles mean you can spend the whole day without having any significant exchange with your children. Tv, computers, mobiles, and games like xbox promote a lifestyle of individual entertainment. Nowadays, a lot of kids have tvs in their rooms which further erodes family interactions. Even when family come together to watch tv, its hypnotic quality means no real interactions between family members. Switching off the tv -and preferably all electronic gadgets at the same time - means rediscovering each other again. Building and maintaining family bonds are fundamental to a happy family, and this is one easy way to do so. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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