How to use timeouts for teens

It never surprises me how quickly I can find myself in the midst of a discipline crisis when it comes to my teenage daughter. Last night we were having dinner. Admittedly, it wasn't her favourite meal but I had warned her that I would not accept any snide comments about my cooking.
"Why can't we have something nice for once?" she asked with a roll of the eyes.
"Right, you can go down the chart (ie.earn 5 x's and no tv or computer for rest of week) twice for that." says me.
Immediately she was up in arms. "What did I do?!"
"I warned you about comments plus you rolled your eyes."
"I did not! I just looked up. Rolling your eyes means rolling your eyes all around!"
"Not in my book - which I've told you before."
Well, that just put her in a foul mood and after about 10 minutes of increasingly sour attitude and kicking her sibling under the table, I told her to go to the toilet so we could finish our dinner in peace. She got up and stormed off, but not before saying loudly "I don't know why you keep sending me to the toilet. It never does any good!"

Really? Firstly, I got to eat dinner in peace, retain my calm and control and enjoy some conversation with my other children. Secondly, she always comes out much meeker and milder, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after 2 hours, but she always comes out and apologises. How's that not a win? She knows she can come out of the toilet whenever she wants, but she has to apologise sincerely and finish whatever task she was doing originally.

Disciplining teenagers is a tricky thing. I made all the usual mistakes with my firstborn that a lot of modern parents do - made her the centre of the universe, talked and explained rules to her over and over, used timeouts and removal of privileges, etc. It was only about 2 years ago that it dawned on me that my daughter was 12 years old and I was still having to constantly discipline her! When I was 12, my parents had stopped disciplining me and my siblings because we were all trained in good behaviour by then!

It was a big wakeup call and I decided to return to my parents' old fashioned but ultimately more effective training system(for more information, you can visit my website www.parentingmyths.weebly.com). Unfortunately, it was a bit late to apply all those principles to my oldest daughter who had enjoyed having the bit in her mouth for 12 years already. Nonetheless, most of the principles of firm but loving boundaries still apply and work well.

Most parents stop using timeouts when children go to school, opting instead for groundings and loss of privileges. Ironically, timeouts actually work even better for older kids than the young ones! As a rule, timeouts are a dreadfully ineffective parenting tool (and shouldn't necessary when mahout parenting principles are followed from an early age). However, when faced with a recalcitrant teenager, a timeout can be surprisingly effective! The trick is not to send them to their room or anywhere remotely interesting. Children today are used to being stimulated so sending them to their bedroom or somewhere with a tv or other people is actually more of a reward than a disciplinary measure. This is particularly true of teenagers, who view their rooms as havens.

The toilet is my favourite timeout choice. With the door closed, they only have themselves and four walls for company. The entertainment value of that wears thin very quickly. It is also hard to maintain a mood, temper or sense of injustice in such circumstances. Try it sometime! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Parenting myth: timeouts!

Most child raising books and internet sites still promote time-outs as an effective discipline tool because it 'gives your child an opportunity to learn to cope with frustration and modify his behaviour'. This sounds good in theory and, because of the negative press given to using a smack, about the only option for modern parents. But, as most parents find out, this is a very ineffective technique for most people.

Why is it ineffective?

1) it requires parents to delay discipline until the child is old enough to accept time-outs which is at about 3 years old. So that is a crucial 2 years of training that is missed when parents can establish their authority.

2) parents run the risk of looking ineffectual and foolish when the toddler runs away or wiggles or screams or sits when you said stand or vice versa. Parents lose authority when it becomes clear to a child that mum and dad aren't in charge.

3) the lesson the parent is trying to teach is often lost because of the delay in getting the child to do the time-out.

4) time-outs can last too long in relation to the offence for young ones or not long enough with older children. It is difficult to get the balance right. Experts say a time-out shouldn't last more than 30 secs until a child is 3 but what can a toddler learn in 30 seconds? It takes that long to hold them still!

Baby experts suggest holding off on discipline until your child understands what's acceptable and not (somewhere around the third birthday). In the meantime, they recommend childproofing your home to reduce opportunities for mischief and use distraction to redirect your child to more suitable activities. This strategy is a flawed one. Letting your child have the run of your home - and you- for three years and then turning around and saying 'now you have to listen to me' is a recipe for a battle of wills. Establishing your authority before the child reaches an age to rebel is sensible and the early years are a perfect time to teach your child to listen to you and to realise that there are rules. Childproofing your home so your child is not in danger is essential, of course, but removing opportunities for mischief and distraction means removing opportunities for teaching an early but crucial first lesson - 'YES/NO'.

What the experts advise
The experts at a popular parenting website have this advice for new parents:

No single disciplinary approach, including time-outs, will transform your toddler into an obedient angel. You'll want to experiment with a variety of discipline techniques throughout his toddlerhood to find out what works best for both of you. In fact, if your child is usually obedient, you may be lucky enough never to need a time-out. Requests and redirection may be sufficient. Or you may find that using the positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity — works well throughout your youngster's childhood. At every stage, learning which behaviors are normal (or unavoidable) will help keep your expectations realistic.

Seriously?
Having told parents that time-outs are the way to go, these experts then turn around and say that no single approach will work. Where does that leave parents? Most parents are left floundering, looking for an approach or combination of approaches that will work. What usually happens is that parents develop a fly-by-the-pants method of dealing with each situation as it develops. This is equally ineffective as it is inconsistent, not to mention frustrating. On top of this, the experts suggest that parents may NEVER need to use discipline in their children's childhood if they use techniques like redirection! What an irresponsible thing to say to young parents. Discipline is an essential part of parenting: it builds firm boundaries for children, making them feel safe and trusting, and it leads to children being able to discipline themselves which is an essential quality for being a mature, responsible adult. Children will not learn these boundaries through parents AVOIDING the need for discipline.

It is hard to avoid the conclusion that timeouts are an ineffectual way to discipline children. To be effective, it needs to be combined with other disciplinary measures, possibly several, as children get older, but this in turn makes it difficult for parents to be consistent in their discipline. Timeouts and consequences require parents to be adaptive and reactive and on the balls of their feet all the time. This is not a good foundation to consistent discipline. Consistency is a cornerstone of good discipline as it teaches children their boundaries.

What is a more effective approach?

A more effective method is to return to tried and true old fashioned methods of discipline. The old fashioned methods of parenting worked because the focus was on bringing up children as a part of the family, community and society instead of making them feel like they were the centre of the universe. It worked because discipline was consistently enforced without anger so children could absorb the correction and still view their parents with respect and a little healthy awe. I talk more about how to do this on my Effective Parenting website but the basic principles are:

a) always be calm (or appear to be calm) when disciplining children. Any correction applied by an angry or frustrated parent loses most of its power as the children are focused on the parent rather than the correction.

b)choose just 1 or 2 disciplinary measures that you will always use. This allows discipline to be predictable - for the child and you. It will remove a lot of the stress and frustration of modern disciplining.

c)be consistent in what you do and how you do it. Decide how many warnings/requests you will give and then always correct a child promptly. Again, this makes discipline - and you - very predictable to a child; and

d)never explain, argue or reason with your children as it invariably leads to heated scenes that diminish your authority.

e)And, of courses, be loving and courteous to your children. In the end, families are meant to be a comfort and a joy, not a battle zone.

One final note: a problem many parents have, is that once they take timeouts out of the equation, what do they use to discipline small children? I'd be interested to hear other parents' suggestions but for my take on it, you can go to debunking parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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