Reasoning With Children:Why Being A Reasonable Parent Can Backfire

Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain their decisions to children on the basis that this will make it easier for them to follow the rules. This simple and seemingly innocuous parenting myth has caused more disharmony, frustration and anger in families than any other advice. Why? Because the long term consequences of this approach are children who grow up expecting their parents to explain why they are being asked to do something. Having to explain a rule or decision to a two year old is one thing - having to rationalise with 3 teens or pre-teens about every request you make or discipline you impose becomes a source of frustration and contention in the home.

There is new evidence that family arguing affects children throughout their lives. A recent report by the long running Simmon Longitudinal Study, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, focused on family arguments. It looked at the effects of parents fighting with each other, and with their children. It found that 15-year-olds involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in argumentative homes. The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.

I would argue that parents need to avoid modern parenting styles that could lead to households where children feel entitled to challenge their parents on any and every decision. How many parents today can give an instruction to a child and have it followed out immediately and politely? I imagine, few. This is a direct consequence of this myth. Parents got into the habit of explaining things to their children and their children got into the habit of saying 'why?' and getting a reply.

What Makes A Family Work Well
For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader (or leaders) and the other members of the family must be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. There can't be constant arguments and negotiations about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, tv watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, sleepovers - the list is endless.

I always say a happy family works like an army unit - the officers make the rules and the privates follow those rules. As long as the parents are firm, fair, consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children are content to give over the reins to them. A family without clear leaders is a chaotic family unit.

Good communication is very important in a family but so is harmony and the smooth running of the home. Maybe it comes from having a father in the Jungle Patrol of Borneo, but we grew up respecting our parents' decisions (however much we didn't like them!) and even with a family of 7, our home was harmonious and loving. We communicated well on almost any subject - indeed, we were encouraged to debate any topic - but we understood that the time and place for questioning our parents was not when they were making decisions.

I believe that growing up in a home where children were required to respect their parents' decisions did not damage my confidence or ability to express myself. Other people would argue that I express myself too readily, lol! I still go toe to toe with my dad on every topic under the sun. Instead, growing up in a home where family relations were peaceful and warm allowed us to flourish as well as enjoy each others companies. This has to be better than the many families I observe where bickering and tantrums seem to be a norm.

Strategy For Reducing Arguments In The Home
Parents need to be clear in their own mind and with their children about when it is okay to discuss matters and when it is not. The weekly family meeting might be a good time to discuss issues; when parents are disciplining or giving chores is not. Kids are bound to resist at first; I find that giving out chores anytime one of them responds to a parent's request or decision with "why?" (or variations thereof) fixes the problem real quick!

In addition, parents need to stay in control of their temper. This isn't about being abusive or angry - that is clearly a sign that you are not in charge. It is about expecting children to recognise you as the leader of your family unit and accept your instructions as such. Parents who are used to losing their cool must practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. Any time parents lose their temper is a time when they have shown their children that they are not in charge, and are, therefore, open to challenges. More information on how to be effective parents is available at How To Raise A Child.

There is a place for explanations and being 'reasonable' in a family. Indeed, talking to children and teaching them about the world provides many wonderful opportunities for bonding and laughter. However, that time is not when parents are giving instructions or making decisions. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to use the secrets of Elephant Training to be a good parent

Let me tell you a story. My grandfather used to work with elephants in the jungles of Burma. One of the stories he told me was about how they trained the baby elephants. When training elephants, keepers would begin by putting a baby elephant on a huge, heavy chain connected to a deep-driven peg. After pulling at it many, many times, the elephant eventually gave up as it learned that it was useless to try to break away. Eventually, the keeper removed the peg and just left a small chain hanging free around a leg. This was all that was needed to keep the elephant obedient. Even though there was nothing preventing the elephant from escaping, it never even attempted it, because the knowledge that it could never break that chain had become deeply ingrained.

This analogy relates to raising children in that children will challenge your authority many times over their childhood. However, if, in those first 12 years, they learn that there is no point to challenging you because you are always smarter, cooler and quicker, then they will cease to do so. By the time they reach an age when they COULD challenge you, they will be so well trained that it will not even occur to them. And IF it does occur to them, the habits of respect and obedience that you’ve inculcated in them will prevent them from doing so. How do I know this? This is the approach my parents took with us, and the approach their parents took, and it probably went back even further. The point is, it worked. Five siblings and not one of us needed to be disciplined after 12 years. Not one of us could bring ourselves to break 12 years of being respectful and obedient. That says something...doesn't it?

Hmm, maybe I should call it Borg Training - 'resistance is futile'! LOL

There is more information, if you are interested, at http://parentingmyths.weebly.com/5-keys-to-effective-parenting.html Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Parenting myth: timeouts!

Most child raising books and internet sites still promote time-outs as an effective discipline tool because it 'gives your child an opportunity to learn to cope with frustration and modify his behaviour'. This sounds good in theory and, because of the negative press given to using a smack, about the only option for modern parents. But, as most parents find out, this is a very ineffective technique for most people.

Why is it ineffective?

1) it requires parents to delay discipline until the child is old enough to accept time-outs which is at about 3 years old. So that is a crucial 2 years of training that is missed when parents can establish their authority.

2) parents run the risk of looking ineffectual and foolish when the toddler runs away or wiggles or screams or sits when you said stand or vice versa. Parents lose authority when it becomes clear to a child that mum and dad aren't in charge.

3) the lesson the parent is trying to teach is often lost because of the delay in getting the child to do the time-out.

4) time-outs can last too long in relation to the offence for young ones or not long enough with older children. It is difficult to get the balance right. Experts say a time-out shouldn't last more than 30 secs until a child is 3 but what can a toddler learn in 30 seconds? It takes that long to hold them still!

Baby experts suggest holding off on discipline until your child understands what's acceptable and not (somewhere around the third birthday). In the meantime, they recommend childproofing your home to reduce opportunities for mischief and use distraction to redirect your child to more suitable activities. This strategy is a flawed one. Letting your child have the run of your home - and you- for three years and then turning around and saying 'now you have to listen to me' is a recipe for a battle of wills. Establishing your authority before the child reaches an age to rebel is sensible and the early years are a perfect time to teach your child to listen to you and to realise that there are rules. Childproofing your home so your child is not in danger is essential, of course, but removing opportunities for mischief and distraction means removing opportunities for teaching an early but crucial first lesson - 'YES/NO'.

What the experts advise
The experts at a popular parenting website have this advice for new parents:

No single disciplinary approach, including time-outs, will transform your toddler into an obedient angel. You'll want to experiment with a variety of discipline techniques throughout his toddlerhood to find out what works best for both of you. In fact, if your child is usually obedient, you may be lucky enough never to need a time-out. Requests and redirection may be sufficient. Or you may find that using the positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity — works well throughout your youngster's childhood. At every stage, learning which behaviors are normal (or unavoidable) will help keep your expectations realistic.

Seriously?
Having told parents that time-outs are the way to go, these experts then turn around and say that no single approach will work. Where does that leave parents? Most parents are left floundering, looking for an approach or combination of approaches that will work. What usually happens is that parents develop a fly-by-the-pants method of dealing with each situation as it develops. This is equally ineffective as it is inconsistent, not to mention frustrating. On top of this, the experts suggest that parents may NEVER need to use discipline in their children's childhood if they use techniques like redirection! What an irresponsible thing to say to young parents. Discipline is an essential part of parenting: it builds firm boundaries for children, making them feel safe and trusting, and it leads to children being able to discipline themselves which is an essential quality for being a mature, responsible adult. Children will not learn these boundaries through parents AVOIDING the need for discipline.

It is hard to avoid the conclusion that timeouts are an ineffectual way to discipline children. To be effective, it needs to be combined with other disciplinary measures, possibly several, as children get older, but this in turn makes it difficult for parents to be consistent in their discipline. Timeouts and consequences require parents to be adaptive and reactive and on the balls of their feet all the time. This is not a good foundation to consistent discipline. Consistency is a cornerstone of good discipline as it teaches children their boundaries.

What is a more effective approach?

A more effective method is to return to tried and true old fashioned methods of discipline. The old fashioned methods of parenting worked because the focus was on bringing up children as a part of the family, community and society instead of making them feel like they were the centre of the universe. It worked because discipline was consistently enforced without anger so children could absorb the correction and still view their parents with respect and a little healthy awe. I talk more about how to do this on my Effective Parenting website but the basic principles are:

a) always be calm (or appear to be calm) when disciplining children. Any correction applied by an angry or frustrated parent loses most of its power as the children are focused on the parent rather than the correction.

b)choose just 1 or 2 disciplinary measures that you will always use. This allows discipline to be predictable - for the child and you. It will remove a lot of the stress and frustration of modern disciplining.

c)be consistent in what you do and how you do it. Decide how many warnings/requests you will give and then always correct a child promptly. Again, this makes discipline - and you - very predictable to a child; and

d)never explain, argue or reason with your children as it invariably leads to heated scenes that diminish your authority.

e)And, of courses, be loving and courteous to your children. In the end, families are meant to be a comfort and a joy, not a battle zone.

One final note: a problem many parents have, is that once they take timeouts out of the equation, what do they use to discipline small children? I'd be interested to hear other parents' suggestions but for my take on it, you can go to debunking parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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