Review: Scream Free Parenting

"ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.

It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.

Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents.
If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what."

To see book go to Scream Free Parenting

I grew up in such a household where my father was always composed and cool. We knew we could get to our mother on certain matters but nothing seemed to throw my father. Break an arm, start to drown, destroy his precious possessions...he always reacted in exactly the same way. In retrospective, I can see what a wonderful parenting plan that was! We kids were in awe of his knowledge, self control and seeming omniscience, and the result was that we always treated him with respect and obedience. I am not quite as successful with my own kids but I'm still working on it! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Why Values Must Be Taught, Not Just Absorbed

Why are values important
The values promoted in modern society through the media are often contrary to the values we want our kids to live by. But if we do not work hard to impart our own values to our children, then they will look to other role models like their favourite tv characters or rock stars, and their friends for cues on what values to live by. The innocence of the tv shows we grew up with are a thing of the past. Family time tv shows have people jumping in and out of bed, bi-sexuality, drunkenness, stealing, lying, cheating and so on. Some of these issues were addressed when we were kids but always with a moral to the story. It was clear to us that these behaviours were bad. This is not so clear nowadays. Often these behaviours are portrayed as funny and acceptable, and our children are lapping it up. Kids today are growing up without a strong work ethic, without a strong moral code, with vague boundaries about right and wrong, and, too often, an opportunistic attitude. If an opportunity comes up to take money without being caught, many teens and young adults will do so without a second’s thought; if an opportunity comes up to take a day off work without being caught, they will; if an opportunity comes up cut corners on a job, they will.

This is a very sad indictment of modern parenting. It is sad for this generation because they are perceived as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable. It is sad for our children because they are growing up without a strong personal code, a compass to guide them through life. Having strong values isn’t just about how other people perceive you but about how you perceive yourself. Being able to draw a line in the sand allows a person to take pride in himself and say ‘this is as far as I go and no further’. Without strong values, a person judges the rights and wrongs of each instance he encounters on an individual basis – and all too often, it will be on the basis of ‘can I get away with it?’ It is hard for that kind of person to have pride in themselves. A person with strong values, however, has a picture in his mind about the kind of person he is and wants to continue to be. Presented with an ‘opportunity’, he will compare it against this self-image and reject anything that does not fit with it.

In previous generations, a strong emphasis was placed on teaching values. Children were raised to follow more than just the 10 commandments. They were taught to take pride in being honest, trustworthy and reliable. A handshake was enough to seal an agreement. Parents worked as hard at inculcating values in their children as they did on imparting respect and manners. Parents today need to work even harder to do so as there are many more negative influences on our children than in our parents’ day. It is not enough to expect that children will gradually absorb our beliefs and philosophies just by spending 18 years living with us. We need to take ACTIVE steps to teach our children values.

8 Strategies for teaching values to children

1) TALK to your kids. Don’t expect them to absorb your beliefs by osmosis. Tell them what you believe and give examples. Ask them about examples they have come across.

2) LIVE by your values. Kids are very quick to pick up any sign of hypocrisy. Don’t preach values that you aren’t prepared to uphold.

3) Give your child a family code to live by. This gives children a sense of family unity and family pride as well as a strong personal code. Just choose one value that you feel strongly about and frequently tell your kids ‘this is our code. We don’t do that because that is not the (surname) code’. For example, in my family, my father was always saying ‘I am a man of my word’ and he was. He never made a promise he didn’t keep and that made a strong impression on me. This became my personal code, one which underscored all the choices I made. When I had my children, I took every opportunity I could to teach this code to them. I was always saying ‘We are Edgerleys. Edgerleys always keep their promises.’ Part of this was making sure I didn’t make any careless promises to them that I couldn’t keep. I followed this by ensuring that they kept their promises. As small children, I would just remind them of our code but once they reached school age, I insisted they keep any promise they made. This led to a few tears but they learned quickly. I knew they had mastered the code when they started turning indignantly to their father (who had grown up with laxer attitudes on this point) and saying ‘You have to do it! You made a promise and Edgerleys always keep their promises!” He learned quickly to add ‘maybes’ to any statements he made!

4) Have a Code of Conduct for your family and put it up somewhere prominent. This is a list of the behaviours you expect your family to display follow in the home, such as ‘we knock before we go into other people’s rooms’ and ‘we do not touch other people’s possessions without permission’. It keeps you focused on the behaviours you wish to teach as well as allowing the children to absorb the list over time. It also gives you something to point to and say ‘see, that is not how this family behaves’. I put up such a list several years ago in the bathroom area and one night at dinner recently, decided to test my kids on it to see how much of it they had absorbed. To my surprise, they could list every behaviour I had listed on it! It showed that they had been reading and absorbing it over the years.

5) Watch for opportunities in tv shows/movies/entertainment news to discuss values. Be careful not to lecture. Just take a few moments to say what you think about the character’s behaviour and ask your kids for their opinion. This gives you the opportunity to discuss your values as well as develop your children’s ability to differentiate real values from media values.

6) Let your kids know what you expect of them and correct their behaviour as necessary. Like discipline, you must reinforce the values you are teaching. If you don’t want them to steal, then you must correct each and every instance of theft. Don’t make excuses for them once they reach an age where they can understand that stealing is against your rules. Whether it is taking a biscuit from the cupboard without permission or bringing another boy’s toy home with them, you need to correct immediately

7) Be very picky about the media you expose your kids to. You can afford to be very picky about what your children watch, read and listen to in the first 12 years. Make the most of these years to pass on YOUR values and beliefs. Eliminate all shows that model disrespect and poor values. As children become teenagers, it will become harder to monitor their exposure so it is important to teach them to be critical about what they watch and read. For instance, when you watch a movie together, take the opportunity to point out that the show only lasts for two hours and that’s why writers often fast track the courting process and have people jump in bed or fall in love after the first date. Help them to realize that this isn’t an accurate picture of real life. If you’re watching a show where kids are being cheeky to parents, discuss with them if this is an accurate picture of family relations or just makes good tv. Get them to start thinking for themselves, rather than accepting as dogma everything they see and read.

8) Let the kids know you are proud of them when they demonstrate the values you are teaching. A smile of approval or a squeeze of the shoulder is all it takes to convey your pride in their choices. The more respect and awe they have for you, the more they will value your approval. Use that hero worship to shape their behaviour positively. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Parenting myth: consequences are an effective method of discipline

(blog feed at sueedge.minti.com)


There are many problems with the modern parenting advice on the use of consequences as a disciplinary tool. Parenting experts today constantly promote the need to make any consequence you impose be a natural and logical consequence of the infraction. However, there are many problems with this approach.

Firstly, it requires parents to think on their feet all the time. Instead of knowing automatically what their response will be when children commit an infraction, parents have to think fast after the event, in search of a logical consequence. This is stressful and if a parent can't think of an appropriate response in time, it can lead to one of two things:

a) a lot of yelling and lecturing instead. The only thing this teaches a child is that their parents are toothless. Not a good way to maintain respect and authority in a child's eye;

b)inappropriate and unduly harsh consequences. When parents can't think of a logical consequence, they invariably resort to familiar consequences like 'grounding'. Unfortunately, groundings by their nature last a while. This can end up being more severe than the infraction warranted, resulting in the child feeling unfairly done. The end result is that the whole point of the disciplinary measure is lost

Even when parents are good at giving appropriate consequences, this becomes a tedious and stressful exercise when it is multiplied by several children. Several times a day parents have to think fast and apply appropriate consequences. On top of this, parents then have to make sure that their consequences are consistent. This means remembering the consequence they gave last month or last year. If it is a natural consequence, it is easier but it still becomes very difficult to keep track of what consequence was given to which child at what age...Yet without consistency, parents can't effectively teach their children boundaries or self-discipline which is the very foundation of good discipline practices. Being consistent in discipline is like drawing a road map in a child’s mind – every yes/no adds to the map until the child knows exactly how far and where he can safely go. This is invaluable to building a child’s sense of security.

The experts' suggestion for dealing with all the many situations that don't have obvious logical or natural consequences is to take some time to think about it. In reality, this advice just does not work. Firstly, discipline is most effective when applied immediately after the event. Any scientist and trainer will tell you that immediate negative and positive responses work best in training. While it is possible to say, "I will discuss this with you later" to an older child, this will not work with younger children. By the time you have worked out an appropriate response, the child will have forgotten about the event and the discipline imposed will be meaningless and unfair. Immediate correction is the only effective correction with young children.

Steps to effective discipline

Discipline needs to be delivered calmly, consistently and immediately. Here are some suggestions that may help:

a) Select just one or two consequences that you will use all the time, at least for the first 12 years. You may have to select a couple of different measures when the children become teenagers. Stop worrying about whether these are logical consequences and focus on whether they are measures you can apply immediately and which can be quickly over;

b) react immediately when a correction needs to be applied; and

c) always apply the correction calmly, without being drawn into arguments or discussion or negotiations.

While some parents do manage to use logical consequences method effectively, we need to acknowledge that many, maybe even most, don’t. The above method is simple and far kinder on already stressed parents.

For more information, see parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to handle teenage moodiness

Who would have thought that deciding what to do for fun as a family could cause dissension?! Last night, it was my 9 year old son's turn to decide what we would do as a family, and he picked Twister. Yes, there were silent groans from us slack, inactive parents but I pasted on a big smile and said 'wonderful!' However, my 14 year old is nowhere near as tactful and immediately did one of her teenage mood swings. "I hate Twister! Stupid game! Stupid boy! Why do he always have to pick games...etc,etc".

So I had to go into mum mode and warn her to moderate her behaviour and words, and when she progressed to banging pans and kicking things out of the way, I had to move to Sergeant mode. "Toilet" I said and pointed. She stormed into the toilet, muttering and casting enough dirty looks around that I almost had to pull out the mop. However, after 10 minutes, I called her out and she was meek and mild again. Crisis averted. Still didn't want to play Twister but the temper tantrum was over.

Funny thing was, a few minutes later we were all playing the game and laughing our heads off. There's nothing like having someone's bum in your face to make you laugh while swearing deadly consequences if anyone dares break wind! Even my moody 14 year old couldn't help giggling.

That's the thing with teenagers: their moods come and go like flash storms. Interrupt the cycle early and it is quickly over. However, if you don't interfere early enough,you can quickly find yourself battling a tornado. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to use the secrets of Elephant Training to be a good parent

Let me tell you a story. My grandfather used to work with elephants in the jungles of Burma. One of the stories he told me was about how they trained the baby elephants. When training elephants, keepers would begin by putting a baby elephant on a huge, heavy chain connected to a deep-driven peg. After pulling at it many, many times, the elephant eventually gave up as it learned that it was useless to try to break away. Eventually, the keeper removed the peg and just left a small chain hanging free around a leg. This was all that was needed to keep the elephant obedient. Even though there was nothing preventing the elephant from escaping, it never even attempted it, because the knowledge that it could never break that chain had become deeply ingrained.

This analogy relates to raising children in that children will challenge your authority many times over their childhood. However, if, in those first 12 years, they learn that there is no point to challenging you because you are always smarter, cooler and quicker, then they will cease to do so. By the time they reach an age when they COULD challenge you, they will be so well trained that it will not even occur to them. And IF it does occur to them, the habits of respect and obedience that you’ve inculcated in them will prevent them from doing so. How do I know this? This is the approach my parents took with us, and the approach their parents took, and it probably went back even further. The point is, it worked. Five siblings and not one of us needed to be disciplined after 12 years. Not one of us could bring ourselves to break 12 years of being respectful and obedient. That says something...doesn't it?

Hmm, maybe I should call it Borg Training - 'resistance is futile'! LOL

There is more information, if you are interested, at http://parentingmyths.weebly.com/5-keys-to-effective-parenting.html Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Family Time

With all the distractions in modern society, it is all too easy for families to go days without any real interactions. That is why I instituted some basic rules in our house to ensure we always have time together every day.

Rule 1 - Dinner is eaten at the table during the work week. This is 15-30 minutes every night when we are all face to face. We catch up on the day's events, discuss any issues, reminisce, enjoy a laugh and I have the opportunity to correct poor manners where necessary. The modern habit of eating in front of the tv is, I believe, the main reason we see so many awkward and unintentionally rude children today. It also means that our children are missing out on many life lessons that parents pass on in daily conversation. I learned a lot of my ethics and morals through casual conversations and reminiscences I shared with my parents as a child. When do modern parents have the opportunity to share their thoughts?

Rule 2 - Family hour. At 6.30pm, the tv, computer and mobile phones are switched off and don't come back on until bed time. By 7.30, we are all finished with baths, tv and chores so we all come together in the living room. This is precious time together without interruption. My oldest daughter is 14 and therefore too cool for games so one night a week, we allow tv in the form of watching a family show together, like Smallville. My 12 year old daughter loves to sing so we often have karaoke competitions while my 9 year old boy enjoys games so it's Bingo, Backgammon or Hangman. This time reminds us that we can have fun together and that parents aren't just taskmasters ordering kids around all the time.

Rule 3 - At least one day each weekend we have an family outing. This is so important to bonding and building strong memories. My childhood memories are coloured with glorious images of the times we spent together on picnics, climbing mountains, trekking to waterfalls, large family gatherings, swimming in creeks and rivers, camping...I could go on and on. While I am not as adventurous as my father, I try to ensure we get out and laugh, explore, enjoy the sun and fresh air every weekend. These build family ties in a way that sitting at home can't, because on outings we can forget about duties and chores and just enjoy each other.

If we didn't make this time, it would be easy for our family to spend the entire evening or even the whole day without really connecting. My 14 year old always has her mobile in her hands, my 12 year old loves to watch tv or hang in her room while my 9 year old enjoys computer games and riding a bike with his friends. We become ships passing in the night, without a conscious effort by us to pull all the ships into port! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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