Why Values Must Be Taught, Not Just Absorbed

Why are values important
The values promoted in modern society through the media are often contrary to the values we want our kids to live by. But if we do not work hard to impart our own values to our children, then they will look to other role models like their favourite tv characters or rock stars, and their friends for cues on what values to live by. The innocence of the tv shows we grew up with are a thing of the past. Family time tv shows have people jumping in and out of bed, bi-sexuality, drunkenness, stealing, lying, cheating and so on. Some of these issues were addressed when we were kids but always with a moral to the story. It was clear to us that these behaviours were bad. This is not so clear nowadays. Often these behaviours are portrayed as funny and acceptable, and our children are lapping it up. Kids today are growing up without a strong work ethic, without a strong moral code, with vague boundaries about right and wrong, and, too often, an opportunistic attitude. If an opportunity comes up to take money without being caught, many teens and young adults will do so without a second’s thought; if an opportunity comes up to take a day off work without being caught, they will; if an opportunity comes up cut corners on a job, they will.

This is a very sad indictment of modern parenting. It is sad for this generation because they are perceived as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable. It is sad for our children because they are growing up without a strong personal code, a compass to guide them through life. Having strong values isn’t just about how other people perceive you but about how you perceive yourself. Being able to draw a line in the sand allows a person to take pride in himself and say ‘this is as far as I go and no further’. Without strong values, a person judges the rights and wrongs of each instance he encounters on an individual basis – and all too often, it will be on the basis of ‘can I get away with it?’ It is hard for that kind of person to have pride in themselves. A person with strong values, however, has a picture in his mind about the kind of person he is and wants to continue to be. Presented with an ‘opportunity’, he will compare it against this self-image and reject anything that does not fit with it.

In previous generations, a strong emphasis was placed on teaching values. Children were raised to follow more than just the 10 commandments. They were taught to take pride in being honest, trustworthy and reliable. A handshake was enough to seal an agreement. Parents worked as hard at inculcating values in their children as they did on imparting respect and manners. Parents today need to work even harder to do so as there are many more negative influences on our children than in our parents’ day. It is not enough to expect that children will gradually absorb our beliefs and philosophies just by spending 18 years living with us. We need to take ACTIVE steps to teach our children values.

8 Strategies for teaching values to children

1) TALK to your kids. Don’t expect them to absorb your beliefs by osmosis. Tell them what you believe and give examples. Ask them about examples they have come across.

2) LIVE by your values. Kids are very quick to pick up any sign of hypocrisy. Don’t preach values that you aren’t prepared to uphold.

3) Give your child a family code to live by. This gives children a sense of family unity and family pride as well as a strong personal code. Just choose one value that you feel strongly about and frequently tell your kids ‘this is our code. We don’t do that because that is not the (surname) code’. For example, in my family, my father was always saying ‘I am a man of my word’ and he was. He never made a promise he didn’t keep and that made a strong impression on me. This became my personal code, one which underscored all the choices I made. When I had my children, I took every opportunity I could to teach this code to them. I was always saying ‘We are Edgerleys. Edgerleys always keep their promises.’ Part of this was making sure I didn’t make any careless promises to them that I couldn’t keep. I followed this by ensuring that they kept their promises. As small children, I would just remind them of our code but once they reached school age, I insisted they keep any promise they made. This led to a few tears but they learned quickly. I knew they had mastered the code when they started turning indignantly to their father (who had grown up with laxer attitudes on this point) and saying ‘You have to do it! You made a promise and Edgerleys always keep their promises!” He learned quickly to add ‘maybes’ to any statements he made!

4) Have a Code of Conduct for your family and put it up somewhere prominent. This is a list of the behaviours you expect your family to display follow in the home, such as ‘we knock before we go into other people’s rooms’ and ‘we do not touch other people’s possessions without permission’. It keeps you focused on the behaviours you wish to teach as well as allowing the children to absorb the list over time. It also gives you something to point to and say ‘see, that is not how this family behaves’. I put up such a list several years ago in the bathroom area and one night at dinner recently, decided to test my kids on it to see how much of it they had absorbed. To my surprise, they could list every behaviour I had listed on it! It showed that they had been reading and absorbing it over the years.

5) Watch for opportunities in tv shows/movies/entertainment news to discuss values. Be careful not to lecture. Just take a few moments to say what you think about the character’s behaviour and ask your kids for their opinion. This gives you the opportunity to discuss your values as well as develop your children’s ability to differentiate real values from media values.

6) Let your kids know what you expect of them and correct their behaviour as necessary. Like discipline, you must reinforce the values you are teaching. If you don’t want them to steal, then you must correct each and every instance of theft. Don’t make excuses for them once they reach an age where they can understand that stealing is against your rules. Whether it is taking a biscuit from the cupboard without permission or bringing another boy’s toy home with them, you need to correct immediately

7) Be very picky about the media you expose your kids to. You can afford to be very picky about what your children watch, read and listen to in the first 12 years. Make the most of these years to pass on YOUR values and beliefs. Eliminate all shows that model disrespect and poor values. As children become teenagers, it will become harder to monitor their exposure so it is important to teach them to be critical about what they watch and read. For instance, when you watch a movie together, take the opportunity to point out that the show only lasts for two hours and that’s why writers often fast track the courting process and have people jump in bed or fall in love after the first date. Help them to realize that this isn’t an accurate picture of real life. If you’re watching a show where kids are being cheeky to parents, discuss with them if this is an accurate picture of family relations or just makes good tv. Get them to start thinking for themselves, rather than accepting as dogma everything they see and read.

8) Let the kids know you are proud of them when they demonstrate the values you are teaching. A smile of approval or a squeeze of the shoulder is all it takes to convey your pride in their choices. The more respect and awe they have for you, the more they will value your approval. Use that hero worship to shape their behaviour positively. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Teaching Our Children Courtesy

Treating children with courtesy
Even though parents need to insist on their children following the rules they set, they must always treat their children with courtesy. This was a fundamental part of the way previous generations raised children, but courtesy has been somehow misplaced in parenting in more recent times. This is unfortunate, as the lack of respect and awe shown for parents today often leads to arguments and unpleasant scenes. Modern parents, in turn, are more likely to express their frustration in the form of disgust or contempt.

“Oh, really? This is what you call cleaning your room? Maybe if you were a pig.”
“What a surprise – our daughter not wanting to help out”
“You’re a 12 yr old twerp – what do you know about anything?”

Even these relatively mild insults said in sneering tones convey to a child that they are inadequate and a disappointment to you. This in turn results in parents feeling disgust and frustration with themselves.

These scenes can be avoided altogether by using the old fashioned principles of composure, control,consistency and courtesy (see 5 Keys of Old Fashioned Parenting). A composed, controlled parent will not allow opportunities for dissension and deals with resistance promptly and confidently. This eliminates the need for name-calling and insults. As a result, it is easy for parents to treat their children with courtesy. It goes hand in hand with composure.

Instructions are given in polite, respectful tones. In return, parents insist on children responding in a polite, respectful manner. Discipline is meted out calmly and politely. There is no lecturing, no engaging in argument, no raised voices – just an immediate, calm response.


Teaching courtesy
In addition to the way parents treat children and vice versa, parents must teach their children manners and courtesy from an early age. If they can crawl, you can start teaching them manners. Manners are a vital part of doing well in society. So many modern parenting experts overlook the importance of this aspect of parenting. So many parents have forgotten (or never learned themselves) the importance of manners. Yet manners and social skills go hand in hand. A child without manners is less likeable than a child with manners. This results in lower confidence and a poor self image. Not knowing for sure how to behave in any given situation makes a child anxious and more likely to act up (read more on why manners are important).

Modern society makes it easy for parents to overlook common manners. Families eat in front of the tv so parents don’t notice their children’s table manners. Extended family gatherings are rare so parents don’t have the opportunity to teach their children how to behave around elders. Five course dinners are non-existent for the ordinary family so parents miss out on the opportunity to teach table etiquette. At parties, children run off with other kids so they don’t learn how to converse with adults. Opportunities for teaching children common courtesies like opening a door for women or how to greet someone at the door are not being taught, with the result that a lot of children are awkward and even unintentionally rude.

For example, none of my children’s friends ever used to say hello to me when they came to my house. They would wander through the house behind my children without ever acknowledging my presence. I know they weren’t being intentionally rude but nonetheless, it was rude. No one wants to feel invisible, even parents. To their credit, it only took a couple of prompts for them to start saying hello every time they came over. It just shows that rudeness is often just ignorance. We need to arm our children with all the knowledge they need so they never unintentionally cause offence through bad manners.

Often a person other people see as ‘charming’ is really a person with good manners and practiced social skills. These people have an advantage over most people. It is our job as parents to give our children every advantage we can. So let’s start by arming them with manners and helping them to practise their social skills.

8 Strategies for teaching courtesy and etiquette

1) Start teaching manners when your children are very young. Even babies can start to grasp ‘yes/no’ and ‘please/thank you’. Go here for a list of manners and courtesies to start with.

2) Extend these lessons naturally as the child’s ability to understand grows.

3) Make a list, if necessary, of the manners you want to teach (See ABCs of Manners) and put up somewhere prominent to remind yourself and your children

4) Stay focused on your children’s manners. Don’t let bad manners slide because you are tired or busy. Consistency is as important in teaching manners as in discipline

5) Provide or create opportunities to teach your child manners they might not otherwise encounter. Have dinner parties so your child can learn table etiquette; Invite grandparents and other family members over regularly and drill your children in correct etiquette, such as greeting the adults first, offering their seat, making guests feel welcome. Eat dinner at the table regularly!

6) Practise, practise, practise. A practiced child is a confident child.

7) Consider bringing back the old fashioned practices like children getting up whenever a guest enters a room so they can offer their seat; boys opening doors for women, etc. These little courtesies will make your child all the more charming and respectful.

8) Demonstrate courtesy and manners yourself. Your children are watching you. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Reasons to Switch Off the TV

10. You rediscover the art of conversation!
Our children today aren't getting enough practice in the art of conversation - and it is an art! The ability to listen to what others have to say, respond in a way that makes them feel you were interested, and expressing yourself articulately and even, amusingly don't come easily to most people. The best way to give our children these skills is to give them the opportunity to practise. Ask them hypothetical questions like 'what would you do if you had a million dollars?' or 'what rules will you make when you are a mum?' (my kids love that one!). A person who is a good conversationalist has a skill which will be of great benefit to them throughout their life.

9. You will become a more balanced person. It allows you time to develop other interests. TV is fun but it is as addictive as chocolate or coke. If you don't limit yourself to a set amount, you could easily find you have spent all evening - or even all day - in front of it. I know that on our family 'lazy days', when I let the kids do whatever they want, they will spend all day in front of the tv! This is time they could be discovering what talents or interests they have, reading books, playing with friends or going outside to enjoy some outdoor activities. That won't happen as long as the hypnotic presence is before them.

8. It gives children an opportunity to read. This is such an great habit for children to develop but many don't ever get that opportunity, because it is so much easier to sit in front of the tv and passively be entertained. Yet reading allows the brain to develop, it fills in the gaps in one's education (and there are many gaps today!), it stimulates the imagination, and increases vocabulary and understanding of grammar. Indeed, research even suggests it prevents dementia.

7. It stops you becoming a rather dull person. Too much tv means that your ability to converse on varied and interesting subjects is pretty limited. Not everyone will be interested in what happened on Simpsons last night or the latest gossip on Brangelina! Switching off the tv forces you to do something else, whether it is reading, calling someone, discovering news items on the net, helping kids with homework or working on a hobby. Thus, you become a more interesting person without even trying.

6. You have more time to laugh and have fun.
Whatever happened to games?! Kids still love to play board games with their parents, wrestle on the carpet, have ticklefests, play horsey, or challenge them to Wii games. Parents have a chance to get back in touch with their inner child and demonstrate to their kids that they are more than disciplinarians. Here is a chance to show kids that you love being with them!

5. Set up a healthy routine that they will follow for life.
People are creatures of habit. Set up a child to get used to only watching tv at set times and the chances are good that he will continue that habit in adulthood. We were not allowed to watch tv until 5pm on weekends; instead, we went out swimming or picnicking or for a walk. To this day, I get restless if we are still home at 10am and I can not bear to watch tv before 5pm.

4. You can get fit! Switching off the tv during the day and after school allows children to get outside and play sports or swim or play with the neighbourhood kids. Even Wii Fit is a hell of a workout (yes, it means switching the tv on again but at least it is not passive entertainment). As long as the tv is on, the children will sit in front of it, so it is up to the parents to set limits on their watching time. For example, I allow my children 2 shows after school every day once they have done their homework. On weekends, tv has to go off at 9am and doesn't come on again until 3, at which time they are allowed 2 shows again. I also find that my children are more likely to seek me out to join in a game when the tv is off, so I have no excuse either!

3. It allows you time to teach values and beliefs.
Children will absorb these things from tv shows if you aren't equally vocal. And let's face it, the kind of values tv espouses are not the kind we want our children to follow! So find opportunities to discuss what values are important to your family and why. Set up a Code of Conduct for your family. Have weekly challenges to see who can demonstrate or recognise instances of a specified value.

2. It allows you time to teach manners and social skills.
Watching tv while eating dinner is a big no-no. Parents need to be observing their children's manners at all times so that children don't grow up eating like monkeys. The dinner table is a great place to start teaching children courtesy and etiquette. These are social skills that give a child confidence as they will always know how to behave in social situations, no matter where they are or who they are talking to. This is a great advantage in our competitive modern world.

And the No. 1 reason to switch off the tv?

1. You can build strong bonds with your family! Modern lifestyles mean you can spend the whole day without having any significant exchange with your children. Tv, computers, mobiles, and games like xbox promote a lifestyle of individual entertainment. Nowadays, a lot of kids have tvs in their rooms which further erodes family interactions. Even when family come together to watch tv, its hypnotic quality means no real interactions between family members. Switching off the tv -and preferably all electronic gadgets at the same time - means rediscovering each other again. Building and maintaining family bonds are fundamental to a happy family, and this is one easy way to do so. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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7 Strategies for Improving Your Child's Manners and Social Skills and Confidence

Research shows that children with good social skills make friends easier, do better at school and are more resilient to life’s blows.

Social skills are behaviours which help others feel comfortable with us and help us make friends. Manners and courtesy are important social skills that we need to teach our kids. By doing so, we are helping our children develop vital strategies for being successful in their relationships.

Children need to learn proper manners and social skills now more than ever. Competition for spots in universities and jobs is becoming tougher and the young people with well developed and natural social skills will stand out and have an advantage over their peers. Knowing the proper social graces allows children to feel confident and poised.

It is even harder for our teenagers. They are in an awkward phase of their lives when they are not children anymore or adults, either. By giving them manners and knowledge of modern etiquette, we are actually giving them the tools they need to navigate all the different social situations they might encounter as teenagers and later as adults. This gives them confidence and allows them to relax which in turn means they make a good first impression. This results in receiving positive feedback and increased self esteem.

It is often assumed that social skills will be acquired by osmosis. However, while some social skills are learned implicitly, all children would benefit from being taught social skills.

Strategies for improving your children’s social skills:

1) Talk to your children about why manners are important. Use examples to illustrate your point. “When your friend came over yesterday and didn’t say hello to me, it hurt my feelings. That’s why it is important for you to always say hello when you go into someone’s house.”

2) Model good manners and courteousness. Children will be watching their parents to see how they behave. If you are a bit unsure of what is still relevant today, look it up on the net or go to the library.

3) Practise good manners with your children daily. Practise morning greetings, table manners, introducing friends and offering to help, etc. Some manners need to be taught through role-playing as children may not have regular opportunities to practise them, such as how to introduce mum to your teacher.

4) Make use of the television. Ask your children to evaluate the behaviour of people in shows. Are they being polite? Is that the way a kid should talk to their parent? Use the situations to get your child to think about how it could have been done differently. Get them to think about what they see instead of blindly accepting the behaviour as normal.

5) Get into the habit of sitting at the table at least 3 times a week. This allows many opportunities to practise courtesy and conversation. Even if you eat in front of the tv, make sure your children use good manners.

6) Every social situation provides a teaching opportunity. Take a few minutes to prompt your child. “There is a new kid over there. How would you start a conversation with him?”

7) Get your teens used to shaking hands firmly, making eye contact and smiling when they meet people. This makes a positive impression on people and increases their confidence. This will help a lot in situations such as when they are applying for part time jobs.

If parents are not comfortable teaching their children these skills or just don't have the time, there are always courses available at various finishing schools or etiquette schools. Teaching children manners and etiquette is just as essential to parenting as teaching self-discipline and morals is. Let's not overlook it anymore.




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