The Importance of Physical Affection

The Importance of Showing Physical Affection with Older Children

Showing affection comes easily with small children. We smother our babies in kisses and hugs but once children reach the age where they are always on the go, parents can find themselves going whole days without touching their kids. Indeed, research shows that while 90% of parents hug their small children (under 3 years) every day, this drops to as low as 50% for older children.1 Yet older children need affection just as much as small children.

“If I try to hug my 12 year old daughter, she pulls away.” Complains Barb, a mother of 4. This is a common complaint of parents with older children. This resistance can lead to parents feeling rejected by their child and not offering any further physical affection. This, in turn, makes the child feel unloved.

Yet this resistance to affection is often nothing more than self-consciousness and a sensitivity to anything that might be embarrassing. Older kids still need the reassurance and affirmation that comes from receiving affection. The trick is to show affection in ways that won’t trigger their ‘mushiness’ radar. So, while one child might accept a hug from dad at home, he would be horrified if Dad attempted it at the soccer field! Another child might reject kisses altogether but still enjoy the rough and tumble affection that comes with a wrestle or game of footy. My older children, for instance, don’t like to be cuddled but they can’t resist the offer of a back tickle or having their hair stroked. So don’t give up on trying to show affection – just change your tactics.

Strategies for Increasing Affection in the Home

1. Implement affectionate daily rituals of affection. By introducing rituals like good morning and goodnight kisses or hugs, you immediately increase opportunities for displaying affection.
2. Have a weekly family games night. A regular games night is a ritual that allows the family to have fun together and connect emotionally. There are games that even the smallest child can participate in (which are often a secret pleasure for the whole family). Twister, for instance, gives you a chance to connect physically and laugh.
3. Implement a family hour every night. This is a time when the family comes together, preferably with the TV off. This creates a sense of family unity as well as providing opportunities to be physically close. Listen to music, play backgammon, give foot rubs – there are many things you can do to connect when you are all together in the same room.
4. Eat at the table every night. This important family ritual creates opportunities for laughter, affectionate teasing and connection. Don’t be afraid to tease your children – if it is done in a loving and affectionate way, it is a great way of showing affection. I know my kids love to give as good as they get over dinner. Dinner usually goes for twice as long as it needs to, just because we are having so much fun.
5. Allocate one day of the weekend for family outings. Family outings provide many opportunities for physical affection and fun as everyone is more relaxed and enjoying themselves. Plan your weekends in advance. The weekend can go by in a flash without any time spent together, if you do not plan ahead. Once a month, get the whole family together to toss around ideas about what you want to do on the weekends.
6. Take a child or the whole family for neighbourhood walks regularly. This ritual of walking the dog or just exploring the neighbourhood allows opportunities for personal conversation and intimacy which often leads naturally to physical affection. While my 13 year old usually resists my hugs, I find she is happy to let me drape my arm around her shoulders while we are walking the dog and talking.
7. Have family sports time. Games like soccer or tennis and bowling provide opportunities for physical affection and bonding without the mushiness that older children tend to dread. Even Wii Sports can be a chance to connect and laugh with your kids. The sight of their parents trying to ‘snowboard’ down a virtual hill usually reduces my kids to hysterics.
8. Build night-time routines. Read a book together in a chair, sit on their bed for a few minutes at bedtime, tickle their backs – there are many routines you can create which only take a few minutes but allow you to connect physically and emotionally.
9. Develop a secret code that only the two of you know. With my children, I share a special gesture which they know means ‘I Love You’. I use it when I am dropping them off at school so that I don’t embarrass them with an affectionate display. They roll their eyes but it also makes them grin, so I know they secretly like it!
10. Come home early at least once a week just to have fun with your kids. Take them swimming, play a game of ball – develop a regular weekly routine which they can look forward to. Looking back, I can remember our excitement at seeing Dad arrive home from work every day. My brother and I knew that the fun part of the afternoon was starting. He would take us for a swim or a walk, or invent games to play – all of which gave us many opportunities for physical contact and affection. It is a shame that today’s long workdays have made this a thing of the past, but if you can do it once a week, it will give your children something to look forward to.
11. Cook in bulk so you don’t have to cook every night. Instead, relax for a while when you get home and then spend some time with your kids.
12. Put a reminder up on the fridge - ‘Have I hugged my kids today?’ Don’t let the hectic daily schedule make you overlook physically connecting with your kids. Show affection whenever there is an opportunity. Squeeze their shoulder as you go past, ruffle their hair, tickle them, challenge them to a finger wrestle...there are many ways to show your child affection without embarrassing them.
13. Set time aside each month to have an outing or activity with just one of your kids. You need to develop a special relationship with each child individually. The one on one time creates the opportunity to be close, whether it is a walk, sharing a milkshake or going on a shopping expedition.

By continuing to show affection as children grow up, you make it more likely that they will grow into adults who can show affection easily. So hang in there and one day you will be pleasantly surprised when your child turns around and give YOU a hug! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Signs that you need to adapt your parenting style

Signs that you are struggling as a modern parent:

1. You use phrases like these:

• “This is your last chance/warning”
• “I’m warning you…”
• “How many times have I told you…”
• “Don’t make me repeat myself”
• “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you ten times”
• “I’m not telling you again…”
• “If I have to ask you one more time…”
• “Don’t make me come over there…”
• “Jamie, sweetie. Don’t do that, Jamie, dear! Look at me, Jamie! I’m
warning you, Jamie…!”


2. You feel like this often when you are with your kids:

• Frustrated
• Exasperated
• Irritated
• Angry
• Depressed


3. You have scenes like these:

• Children arguing with you or whining because you told them to do a chore
• Children having temper tantrums more than once
• Children sulking because they didn’t get their way
• You trying to reason with your children
• You allowing yourself to be drawn into arguments with your children
• You talking to your children in a ridiculing/condescending or harsh way
• Your children rolling their eyes at you or talking contemptuously back at you
• You hear ‘why?’ every time you ask the kids to do something
• Your children waiting till you’ve asked them to do something 3 times (and
finally threatening them) before doing it
• Your child is the one running around the restaurant, jumping on the
furniture, pulling on your arm/interrupting while you’re talking to another
person
• Other parents saying things like “My, he’s high spirited, isn’t he?”
(Translation: why don’t you control your child and stop him jumping on my
furniture)
• The thought of ‘quality time’ with your kids fills you with dread
• You do something yourself rather than face the complaints you’d get if you
ask the kids to do it
• You can’t wait till your kids go back to school!


A lot of parents will recognise these behaviours as most of them are natural consequences of the modern parenting advice given to parents today.

Our children are now less confident and certainly less charming than any previous generation. Many children today have few manners, poor social skills and little self discipline. Yet they are trying to cope with a world far more stressful and complex than the one we were raised in.

Modern parents, on the other hand, are by and large, exhausted and frustrated. If you look around, you see stressed parents struggling to control their temper in the face of disrespectful, argumentative and rebellious children.

I believe that we need to take the best of modern parenting and meld it back into the traditional methods of parenting. There are aspects of traditional parenting that wouldn’t work today, such as the emphasis on much more severe discipline. This does not mean that we should throw out the baby with the bath water! The traditional philosophy was one of training a child to be a pleasant and productive member of the family, community and ultimately, society. The modern focus, however, is solely on the child and his/her happiness. This has, ironically, resulted in more stress on the family and child as it has encouraged more arguments and less respect in the home.

A return to traditional methods of parenting would mean once again teaching children respect, boundaries, manners and values; it would mean teaching with calmness and affection, not being afraid to discipline and being consistent in how and when we applied discipline. Parenting was pretty straightforward 40 years ago - it can be again. We just need to update it a little to take into account the modern way of living. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Visit my new website!

Ever wonder why parenting seems so much more difficult now than for our parents? Visit my new website called Debunking Modern Parenting Myths to get some insight into why the parenting advice we are given now often is counterproductive. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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