Review: Scream Free Parenting

"ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family.

It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.

Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents.
If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge.
What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what."

To see book go to Scream Free Parenting

I grew up in such a household where my father was always composed and cool. We knew we could get to our mother on certain matters but nothing seemed to throw my father. Break an arm, start to drown, destroy his precious possessions...he always reacted in exactly the same way. In retrospective, I can see what a wonderful parenting plan that was! We kids were in awe of his knowledge, self control and seeming omniscience, and the result was that we always treated him with respect and obedience. I am not quite as successful with my own kids but I'm still working on it! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Reasoning With Children:Why Being A Reasonable Parent Can Backfire

Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain their decisions to children on the basis that this will make it easier for them to follow the rules. This simple and seemingly innocuous parenting myth has caused more disharmony, frustration and anger in families than any other advice. Why? Because the long term consequences of this approach are children who grow up expecting their parents to explain why they are being asked to do something. Having to explain a rule or decision to a two year old is one thing - having to rationalise with 3 teens or pre-teens about every request you make or discipline you impose becomes a source of frustration and contention in the home.

There is new evidence that family arguing affects children throughout their lives. A recent report by the long running Simmon Longitudinal Study, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, focused on family arguments. It looked at the effects of parents fighting with each other, and with their children. It found that 15-year-olds involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in argumentative homes. The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.

I would argue that parents need to avoid modern parenting styles that could lead to households where children feel entitled to challenge their parents on any and every decision. How many parents today can give an instruction to a child and have it followed out immediately and politely? I imagine, few. This is a direct consequence of this myth. Parents got into the habit of explaining things to their children and their children got into the habit of saying 'why?' and getting a reply.

What Makes A Family Work Well
For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader (or leaders) and the other members of the family must be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. There can't be constant arguments and negotiations about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, tv watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, sleepovers - the list is endless.

I always say a happy family works like an army unit - the officers make the rules and the privates follow those rules. As long as the parents are firm, fair, consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children are content to give over the reins to them. A family without clear leaders is a chaotic family unit.

Good communication is very important in a family but so is harmony and the smooth running of the home. Maybe it comes from having a father in the Jungle Patrol of Borneo, but we grew up respecting our parents' decisions (however much we didn't like them!) and even with a family of 7, our home was harmonious and loving. We communicated well on almost any subject - indeed, we were encouraged to debate any topic - but we understood that the time and place for questioning our parents was not when they were making decisions.

I believe that growing up in a home where children were required to respect their parents' decisions did not damage my confidence or ability to express myself. Other people would argue that I express myself too readily, lol! I still go toe to toe with my dad on every topic under the sun. Instead, growing up in a home where family relations were peaceful and warm allowed us to flourish as well as enjoy each others companies. This has to be better than the many families I observe where bickering and tantrums seem to be a norm.

Strategy For Reducing Arguments In The Home
Parents need to be clear in their own mind and with their children about when it is okay to discuss matters and when it is not. The weekly family meeting might be a good time to discuss issues; when parents are disciplining or giving chores is not. Kids are bound to resist at first; I find that giving out chores anytime one of them responds to a parent's request or decision with "why?" (or variations thereof) fixes the problem real quick!

In addition, parents need to stay in control of their temper. This isn't about being abusive or angry - that is clearly a sign that you are not in charge. It is about expecting children to recognise you as the leader of your family unit and accept your instructions as such. Parents who are used to losing their cool must practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. Any time parents lose their temper is a time when they have shown their children that they are not in charge, and are, therefore, open to challenges. More information on how to be effective parents is available at How To Raise A Child.

There is a place for explanations and being 'reasonable' in a family. Indeed, talking to children and teaching them about the world provides many wonderful opportunities for bonding and laughter. However, that time is not when parents are giving instructions or making decisions. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Why Values Must Be Taught, Not Just Absorbed

Why are values important
The values promoted in modern society through the media are often contrary to the values we want our kids to live by. But if we do not work hard to impart our own values to our children, then they will look to other role models like their favourite tv characters or rock stars, and their friends for cues on what values to live by. The innocence of the tv shows we grew up with are a thing of the past. Family time tv shows have people jumping in and out of bed, bi-sexuality, drunkenness, stealing, lying, cheating and so on. Some of these issues were addressed when we were kids but always with a moral to the story. It was clear to us that these behaviours were bad. This is not so clear nowadays. Often these behaviours are portrayed as funny and acceptable, and our children are lapping it up. Kids today are growing up without a strong work ethic, without a strong moral code, with vague boundaries about right and wrong, and, too often, an opportunistic attitude. If an opportunity comes up to take money without being caught, many teens and young adults will do so without a second’s thought; if an opportunity comes up to take a day off work without being caught, they will; if an opportunity comes up cut corners on a job, they will.

This is a very sad indictment of modern parenting. It is sad for this generation because they are perceived as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable. It is sad for our children because they are growing up without a strong personal code, a compass to guide them through life. Having strong values isn’t just about how other people perceive you but about how you perceive yourself. Being able to draw a line in the sand allows a person to take pride in himself and say ‘this is as far as I go and no further’. Without strong values, a person judges the rights and wrongs of each instance he encounters on an individual basis – and all too often, it will be on the basis of ‘can I get away with it?’ It is hard for that kind of person to have pride in themselves. A person with strong values, however, has a picture in his mind about the kind of person he is and wants to continue to be. Presented with an ‘opportunity’, he will compare it against this self-image and reject anything that does not fit with it.

In previous generations, a strong emphasis was placed on teaching values. Children were raised to follow more than just the 10 commandments. They were taught to take pride in being honest, trustworthy and reliable. A handshake was enough to seal an agreement. Parents worked as hard at inculcating values in their children as they did on imparting respect and manners. Parents today need to work even harder to do so as there are many more negative influences on our children than in our parents’ day. It is not enough to expect that children will gradually absorb our beliefs and philosophies just by spending 18 years living with us. We need to take ACTIVE steps to teach our children values.

8 Strategies for teaching values to children

1) TALK to your kids. Don’t expect them to absorb your beliefs by osmosis. Tell them what you believe and give examples. Ask them about examples they have come across.

2) LIVE by your values. Kids are very quick to pick up any sign of hypocrisy. Don’t preach values that you aren’t prepared to uphold.

3) Give your child a family code to live by. This gives children a sense of family unity and family pride as well as a strong personal code. Just choose one value that you feel strongly about and frequently tell your kids ‘this is our code. We don’t do that because that is not the (surname) code’. For example, in my family, my father was always saying ‘I am a man of my word’ and he was. He never made a promise he didn’t keep and that made a strong impression on me. This became my personal code, one which underscored all the choices I made. When I had my children, I took every opportunity I could to teach this code to them. I was always saying ‘We are Edgerleys. Edgerleys always keep their promises.’ Part of this was making sure I didn’t make any careless promises to them that I couldn’t keep. I followed this by ensuring that they kept their promises. As small children, I would just remind them of our code but once they reached school age, I insisted they keep any promise they made. This led to a few tears but they learned quickly. I knew they had mastered the code when they started turning indignantly to their father (who had grown up with laxer attitudes on this point) and saying ‘You have to do it! You made a promise and Edgerleys always keep their promises!” He learned quickly to add ‘maybes’ to any statements he made!

4) Have a Code of Conduct for your family and put it up somewhere prominent. This is a list of the behaviours you expect your family to display follow in the home, such as ‘we knock before we go into other people’s rooms’ and ‘we do not touch other people’s possessions without permission’. It keeps you focused on the behaviours you wish to teach as well as allowing the children to absorb the list over time. It also gives you something to point to and say ‘see, that is not how this family behaves’. I put up such a list several years ago in the bathroom area and one night at dinner recently, decided to test my kids on it to see how much of it they had absorbed. To my surprise, they could list every behaviour I had listed on it! It showed that they had been reading and absorbing it over the years.

5) Watch for opportunities in tv shows/movies/entertainment news to discuss values. Be careful not to lecture. Just take a few moments to say what you think about the character’s behaviour and ask your kids for their opinion. This gives you the opportunity to discuss your values as well as develop your children’s ability to differentiate real values from media values.

6) Let your kids know what you expect of them and correct their behaviour as necessary. Like discipline, you must reinforce the values you are teaching. If you don’t want them to steal, then you must correct each and every instance of theft. Don’t make excuses for them once they reach an age where they can understand that stealing is against your rules. Whether it is taking a biscuit from the cupboard without permission or bringing another boy’s toy home with them, you need to correct immediately

7) Be very picky about the media you expose your kids to. You can afford to be very picky about what your children watch, read and listen to in the first 12 years. Make the most of these years to pass on YOUR values and beliefs. Eliminate all shows that model disrespect and poor values. As children become teenagers, it will become harder to monitor their exposure so it is important to teach them to be critical about what they watch and read. For instance, when you watch a movie together, take the opportunity to point out that the show only lasts for two hours and that’s why writers often fast track the courting process and have people jump in bed or fall in love after the first date. Help them to realize that this isn’t an accurate picture of real life. If you’re watching a show where kids are being cheeky to parents, discuss with them if this is an accurate picture of family relations or just makes good tv. Get them to start thinking for themselves, rather than accepting as dogma everything they see and read.

8) Let the kids know you are proud of them when they demonstrate the values you are teaching. A smile of approval or a squeeze of the shoulder is all it takes to convey your pride in their choices. The more respect and awe they have for you, the more they will value your approval. Use that hero worship to shape their behaviour positively. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Teaching Our Children Courtesy

Treating children with courtesy
Even though parents need to insist on their children following the rules they set, they must always treat their children with courtesy. This was a fundamental part of the way previous generations raised children, but courtesy has been somehow misplaced in parenting in more recent times. This is unfortunate, as the lack of respect and awe shown for parents today often leads to arguments and unpleasant scenes. Modern parents, in turn, are more likely to express their frustration in the form of disgust or contempt.

“Oh, really? This is what you call cleaning your room? Maybe if you were a pig.”
“What a surprise – our daughter not wanting to help out”
“You’re a 12 yr old twerp – what do you know about anything?”

Even these relatively mild insults said in sneering tones convey to a child that they are inadequate and a disappointment to you. This in turn results in parents feeling disgust and frustration with themselves.

These scenes can be avoided altogether by using the old fashioned principles of composure, control,consistency and courtesy (see 5 Keys of Old Fashioned Parenting). A composed, controlled parent will not allow opportunities for dissension and deals with resistance promptly and confidently. This eliminates the need for name-calling and insults. As a result, it is easy for parents to treat their children with courtesy. It goes hand in hand with composure.

Instructions are given in polite, respectful tones. In return, parents insist on children responding in a polite, respectful manner. Discipline is meted out calmly and politely. There is no lecturing, no engaging in argument, no raised voices – just an immediate, calm response.


Teaching courtesy
In addition to the way parents treat children and vice versa, parents must teach their children manners and courtesy from an early age. If they can crawl, you can start teaching them manners. Manners are a vital part of doing well in society. So many modern parenting experts overlook the importance of this aspect of parenting. So many parents have forgotten (or never learned themselves) the importance of manners. Yet manners and social skills go hand in hand. A child without manners is less likeable than a child with manners. This results in lower confidence and a poor self image. Not knowing for sure how to behave in any given situation makes a child anxious and more likely to act up (read more on why manners are important).

Modern society makes it easy for parents to overlook common manners. Families eat in front of the tv so parents don’t notice their children’s table manners. Extended family gatherings are rare so parents don’t have the opportunity to teach their children how to behave around elders. Five course dinners are non-existent for the ordinary family so parents miss out on the opportunity to teach table etiquette. At parties, children run off with other kids so they don’t learn how to converse with adults. Opportunities for teaching children common courtesies like opening a door for women or how to greet someone at the door are not being taught, with the result that a lot of children are awkward and even unintentionally rude.

For example, none of my children’s friends ever used to say hello to me when they came to my house. They would wander through the house behind my children without ever acknowledging my presence. I know they weren’t being intentionally rude but nonetheless, it was rude. No one wants to feel invisible, even parents. To their credit, it only took a couple of prompts for them to start saying hello every time they came over. It just shows that rudeness is often just ignorance. We need to arm our children with all the knowledge they need so they never unintentionally cause offence through bad manners.

Often a person other people see as ‘charming’ is really a person with good manners and practiced social skills. These people have an advantage over most people. It is our job as parents to give our children every advantage we can. So let’s start by arming them with manners and helping them to practise their social skills.

8 Strategies for teaching courtesy and etiquette

1) Start teaching manners when your children are very young. Even babies can start to grasp ‘yes/no’ and ‘please/thank you’. Go here for a list of manners and courtesies to start with.

2) Extend these lessons naturally as the child’s ability to understand grows.

3) Make a list, if necessary, of the manners you want to teach (See ABCs of Manners) and put up somewhere prominent to remind yourself and your children

4) Stay focused on your children’s manners. Don’t let bad manners slide because you are tired or busy. Consistency is as important in teaching manners as in discipline

5) Provide or create opportunities to teach your child manners they might not otherwise encounter. Have dinner parties so your child can learn table etiquette; Invite grandparents and other family members over regularly and drill your children in correct etiquette, such as greeting the adults first, offering their seat, making guests feel welcome. Eat dinner at the table regularly!

6) Practise, practise, practise. A practiced child is a confident child.

7) Consider bringing back the old fashioned practices like children getting up whenever a guest enters a room so they can offer their seat; boys opening doors for women, etc. These little courtesies will make your child all the more charming and respectful.

8) Demonstrate courtesy and manners yourself. Your children are watching you. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Visit my new website!

Ever wonder why parenting seems so much more difficult now than for our parents? Visit my new website called Debunking Modern Parenting Myths to get some insight into why the parenting advice we are given now often is counterproductive. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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