Parenting myth: consequences are an effective method of discipline

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There are many problems with the modern parenting advice on the use of consequences as a disciplinary tool. Parenting experts today constantly promote the need to make any consequence you impose be a natural and logical consequence of the infraction. However, there are many problems with this approach.

Firstly, it requires parents to think on their feet all the time. Instead of knowing automatically what their response will be when children commit an infraction, parents have to think fast after the event, in search of a logical consequence. This is stressful and if a parent can't think of an appropriate response in time, it can lead to one of two things:

a) a lot of yelling and lecturing instead. The only thing this teaches a child is that their parents are toothless. Not a good way to maintain respect and authority in a child's eye;

b)inappropriate and unduly harsh consequences. When parents can't think of a logical consequence, they invariably resort to familiar consequences like 'grounding'. Unfortunately, groundings by their nature last a while. This can end up being more severe than the infraction warranted, resulting in the child feeling unfairly done. The end result is that the whole point of the disciplinary measure is lost

Even when parents are good at giving appropriate consequences, this becomes a tedious and stressful exercise when it is multiplied by several children. Several times a day parents have to think fast and apply appropriate consequences. On top of this, parents then have to make sure that their consequences are consistent. This means remembering the consequence they gave last month or last year. If it is a natural consequence, it is easier but it still becomes very difficult to keep track of what consequence was given to which child at what age...Yet without consistency, parents can't effectively teach their children boundaries or self-discipline which is the very foundation of good discipline practices. Being consistent in discipline is like drawing a road map in a child’s mind – every yes/no adds to the map until the child knows exactly how far and where he can safely go. This is invaluable to building a child’s sense of security.

The experts' suggestion for dealing with all the many situations that don't have obvious logical or natural consequences is to take some time to think about it. In reality, this advice just does not work. Firstly, discipline is most effective when applied immediately after the event. Any scientist and trainer will tell you that immediate negative and positive responses work best in training. While it is possible to say, "I will discuss this with you later" to an older child, this will not work with younger children. By the time you have worked out an appropriate response, the child will have forgotten about the event and the discipline imposed will be meaningless and unfair. Immediate correction is the only effective correction with young children.

Steps to effective discipline

Discipline needs to be delivered calmly, consistently and immediately. Here are some suggestions that may help:

a) Select just one or two consequences that you will use all the time, at least for the first 12 years. You may have to select a couple of different measures when the children become teenagers. Stop worrying about whether these are logical consequences and focus on whether they are measures you can apply immediately and which can be quickly over;

b) react immediately when a correction needs to be applied; and

c) always apply the correction calmly, without being drawn into arguments or discussion or negotiations.

While some parents do manage to use logical consequences method effectively, we need to acknowledge that many, maybe even most, don’t. The above method is simple and far kinder on already stressed parents.

For more information, see parenting myths. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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7 Strategies for Improving Your Child's Manners and Social Skills and Confidence

Research shows that children with good social skills make friends easier, do better at school and are more resilient to life’s blows.

Social skills are behaviours which help others feel comfortable with us and help us make friends. Manners and courtesy are important social skills that we need to teach our kids. By doing so, we are helping our children develop vital strategies for being successful in their relationships.

Children need to learn proper manners and social skills now more than ever. Competition for spots in universities and jobs is becoming tougher and the young people with well developed and natural social skills will stand out and have an advantage over their peers. Knowing the proper social graces allows children to feel confident and poised.

It is even harder for our teenagers. They are in an awkward phase of their lives when they are not children anymore or adults, either. By giving them manners and knowledge of modern etiquette, we are actually giving them the tools they need to navigate all the different social situations they might encounter as teenagers and later as adults. This gives them confidence and allows them to relax which in turn means they make a good first impression. This results in receiving positive feedback and increased self esteem.

It is often assumed that social skills will be acquired by osmosis. However, while some social skills are learned implicitly, all children would benefit from being taught social skills.

Strategies for improving your children’s social skills:

1) Talk to your children about why manners are important. Use examples to illustrate your point. “When your friend came over yesterday and didn’t say hello to me, it hurt my feelings. That’s why it is important for you to always say hello when you go into someone’s house.”

2) Model good manners and courteousness. Children will be watching their parents to see how they behave. If you are a bit unsure of what is still relevant today, look it up on the net or go to the library.

3) Practise good manners with your children daily. Practise morning greetings, table manners, introducing friends and offering to help, etc. Some manners need to be taught through role-playing as children may not have regular opportunities to practise them, such as how to introduce mum to your teacher.

4) Make use of the television. Ask your children to evaluate the behaviour of people in shows. Are they being polite? Is that the way a kid should talk to their parent? Use the situations to get your child to think about how it could have been done differently. Get them to think about what they see instead of blindly accepting the behaviour as normal.

5) Get into the habit of sitting at the table at least 3 times a week. This allows many opportunities to practise courtesy and conversation. Even if you eat in front of the tv, make sure your children use good manners.

6) Every social situation provides a teaching opportunity. Take a few minutes to prompt your child. “There is a new kid over there. How would you start a conversation with him?”

7) Get your teens used to shaking hands firmly, making eye contact and smiling when they meet people. This makes a positive impression on people and increases their confidence. This will help a lot in situations such as when they are applying for part time jobs.

If parents are not comfortable teaching their children these skills or just don't have the time, there are always courses available at various finishing schools or etiquette schools. Teaching children manners and etiquette is just as essential to parenting as teaching self-discipline and morals is. Let's not overlook it anymore.




www.parentingmyths.weebly.com Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to handle teenage moodiness

Who would have thought that deciding what to do for fun as a family could cause dissension?! Last night, it was my 9 year old son's turn to decide what we would do as a family, and he picked Twister. Yes, there were silent groans from us slack, inactive parents but I pasted on a big smile and said 'wonderful!' However, my 14 year old is nowhere near as tactful and immediately did one of her teenage mood swings. "I hate Twister! Stupid game! Stupid boy! Why do he always have to pick games...etc,etc".

So I had to go into mum mode and warn her to moderate her behaviour and words, and when she progressed to banging pans and kicking things out of the way, I had to move to Sergeant mode. "Toilet" I said and pointed. She stormed into the toilet, muttering and casting enough dirty looks around that I almost had to pull out the mop. However, after 10 minutes, I called her out and she was meek and mild again. Crisis averted. Still didn't want to play Twister but the temper tantrum was over.

Funny thing was, a few minutes later we were all playing the game and laughing our heads off. There's nothing like having someone's bum in your face to make you laugh while swearing deadly consequences if anyone dares break wind! Even my moody 14 year old couldn't help giggling.

That's the thing with teenagers: their moods come and go like flash storms. Interrupt the cycle early and it is quickly over. However, if you don't interfere early enough,you can quickly find yourself battling a tornado. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How to use the secrets of Elephant Training to be a good parent

Let me tell you a story. My grandfather used to work with elephants in the jungles of Burma. One of the stories he told me was about how they trained the baby elephants. When training elephants, keepers would begin by putting a baby elephant on a huge, heavy chain connected to a deep-driven peg. After pulling at it many, many times, the elephant eventually gave up as it learned that it was useless to try to break away. Eventually, the keeper removed the peg and just left a small chain hanging free around a leg. This was all that was needed to keep the elephant obedient. Even though there was nothing preventing the elephant from escaping, it never even attempted it, because the knowledge that it could never break that chain had become deeply ingrained.

This analogy relates to raising children in that children will challenge your authority many times over their childhood. However, if, in those first 12 years, they learn that there is no point to challenging you because you are always smarter, cooler and quicker, then they will cease to do so. By the time they reach an age when they COULD challenge you, they will be so well trained that it will not even occur to them. And IF it does occur to them, the habits of respect and obedience that you’ve inculcated in them will prevent them from doing so. How do I know this? This is the approach my parents took with us, and the approach their parents took, and it probably went back even further. The point is, it worked. Five siblings and not one of us needed to be disciplined after 12 years. Not one of us could bring ourselves to break 12 years of being respectful and obedient. That says something...doesn't it?

Hmm, maybe I should call it Borg Training - 'resistance is futile'! LOL

There is more information, if you are interested, at http://parentingmyths.weebly.com/5-keys-to-effective-parenting.html Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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Old fashioned Parenting

My story...my siblings and I were raised in what might seem an old fashioned way today. My father only had one consequence and form of discipline: a smack on the hand. It may seem contradictory but this actually made our life as children secure and predictable. In all the years growing up, I never saw my Dad lose his temper or treat us with contempt and disgust. My mom was the nurturer and the teacher of manners. The two of them worked together to teach us right and wrong, ethics and values so we grew up with a strong sense of who we were and the kind of life we wanted to lead.

What worries me is how many kids today have undeveloped social skills and a poor moral compass! I see kids coming in and out of day care and school with behaviours which make them unlikeable with teachers and other kids; I see kids running amok, oblivious to their parents ineffectual threats; I see kids eating like monkeys and I see kids who don't know how to make conversation. How are the parents of these children preparing their kids for the real world? Yet I am reluctant to blame parents because I think they have been fed a lot of bad parenting advice by 'modern experts', which combined with two tired working parents, has created a situation where kids are just not getting the same amount of teaching from their parents that we did as kids. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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The Importance of Family Time

With all the distractions in modern society, it is all too easy for families to go days without any real interactions. That is why I instituted some basic rules in our house to ensure we always have time together every day.

Rule 1 - Dinner is eaten at the table during the work week. This is 15-30 minutes every night when we are all face to face. We catch up on the day's events, discuss any issues, reminisce, enjoy a laugh and I have the opportunity to correct poor manners where necessary. The modern habit of eating in front of the tv is, I believe, the main reason we see so many awkward and unintentionally rude children today. It also means that our children are missing out on many life lessons that parents pass on in daily conversation. I learned a lot of my ethics and morals through casual conversations and reminiscences I shared with my parents as a child. When do modern parents have the opportunity to share their thoughts?

Rule 2 - Family hour. At 6.30pm, the tv, computer and mobile phones are switched off and don't come back on until bed time. By 7.30, we are all finished with baths, tv and chores so we all come together in the living room. This is precious time together without interruption. My oldest daughter is 14 and therefore too cool for games so one night a week, we allow tv in the form of watching a family show together, like Smallville. My 12 year old daughter loves to sing so we often have karaoke competitions while my 9 year old boy enjoys games so it's Bingo, Backgammon or Hangman. This time reminds us that we can have fun together and that parents aren't just taskmasters ordering kids around all the time.

Rule 3 - At least one day each weekend we have an family outing. This is so important to bonding and building strong memories. My childhood memories are coloured with glorious images of the times we spent together on picnics, climbing mountains, trekking to waterfalls, large family gatherings, swimming in creeks and rivers, camping...I could go on and on. While I am not as adventurous as my father, I try to ensure we get out and laugh, explore, enjoy the sun and fresh air every weekend. These build family ties in a way that sitting at home can't, because on outings we can forget about duties and chores and just enjoy each other.

If we didn't make this time, it would be easy for our family to spend the entire evening or even the whole day without really connecting. My 14 year old always has her mobile in her hands, my 12 year old loves to watch tv or hang in her room while my 9 year old enjoys computer games and riding a bike with his friends. We become ships passing in the night, without a conscious effort by us to pull all the ships into port! Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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How does a parent handle teenage volatility?

It never ceases to surprise me how quickly teenagers can go from Pollyanna to Teen Wolf. I was in the kitchen helping my daughter collect ingredients for her cooking class when I realised we didn't have any carrots. So I suggested she ring a friend to ask her to bring some to class. My daughter was horrified.
"No way!"
"Why not?" I asked, mystified.
"Well...it's 9 pm. That's just rude!"
I looked at her sceptically. "Really. That is very considerate of you" I said dryly. "We don't have any carrots so I'm sure she would understand."
And before I could blink,it was on. "I gave you the list on Friday. It's all your fault!" She quickly progressed to accusing me of saying she was a liar (say, what?) so I quickly sent her to the Toilet Timeout to calm down. I was left feeling sideswiped again and wondering how collecting ingredients could lead to a scene.

Part of it is my fault. I am aware of my tendency to be excessively reasonable which tends to lead to debates which tend to lead to scenes. The trouble is, the reasoning side of teens' brains have not developed fully yet so it's like trying to argue with a 3 year old. PS. Don't tell a teen that - they really don't like it. So I have given my husband a codeword 'Pitbull' which he yells out when he can see me about to be 'reasonable'. Works great most of the time - when he's around. Need parenting advice? Read How to Raise a Child
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